This week I went to a foster parent training meeting on attachment disorders, and had an epiphany that I thought I would share here. The discussion revolved around the attachment issues that many foster kids have, and how to deal with them, but I was able to ask my burning question: Why should I allow these kids attach to me, when there's a real chance that they'll be going back to their birth family. Is that even good for them? Won't it break their hearts and set them back even more in their emotional development? Of course, that ship has already sailed--the kids are crazy about me and fight over my attention and write me love notes--which is very painful sometimes. But this question had been haunting me, and even if it's just for future reference, I wanted to know.
The answer I got from the therapist was that all healthy attachments are good, are productive. They help one to feel that the world is a safe place full of caring people. If you attach to someone (a roommate, a neighbor, a church friend) and then your situation changes and you never see them again, you are still better off than you were before you knew them. You understand more about the world and about human nature, and know (though it may be unconsciously) that you have more "human resources" to potentially help you in an emergency. In the words of the song from "Wicked," "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."
In our church we are all about making attachments permanent--Families are Forever--and rightly so. I have even been found guilty of saying to some friends that "I have too many friends," which then made me ashamed of my lack of tact--did they think I meant them? I was wrongly feeling these relationships to be like weights--relationships take work, right? But they don't all have to mean more work. They can be simple blessings with no down-side.
I guess my point is, it's OK if we don't keep in touch with everyone we've ever known--we don't have to feel guilt over that like I used to (though Facebook has removed much of the sting there--so easy now!) All the positive attachments that we've formed over the years bless us and shape our self-image. When we move on, we may have sadness for a while, but we've now got some great memories to fall back on when things are hard, and even may have some phone numbers we can dial when we need a friendly voice on the line.
