tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-90004912850302808852024-03-21T10:25:02.376-04:00The Georgia TimesSome silly boys in the Bean Life Science Museum, BYUThe Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comBlogger112125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-3159874147390400672018-03-05T00:09:00.000-05:002018-03-05T11:52:40.738-05:00Running Away from Mommy in Public PlacesFor a few months now I've been obsessed with learning all I can about media use and abuse--with understanding the fallout of the nuclear blast that has occurred within our society in the two decades since we all became connected on AL Gore's "information super-highway." I wanted to know what the latest trends are and what the studies show about those trends: the good, the bad, and the ugly. As a parent I want to know how best to deal with the challenges that technology places in the lives of my family members.<br />
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What I've learned is alarming. Many studies have been done showing ill effects on the minds and bodies of people with high technology use. Studies have clearly shown that the more time teens spend looking at screens, the more likely they are to be depressed. Eighth-graders who are heavy users of social media increase their risk of depression by 27 percent, while those who play sports, go to religious services, or even do homework more than the average teen cut their risk significantly. Rates of teen depression and suicide have skyrocketed since 2011. Clearly this is not just a problem for youth. A study in 2011 reported that 15% of divorces are caused by men paying more attention to video games than to their spouse. But that’s nothing: 33% of divorced couples cited Facebook one of the reasons for their split.<br />
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The teens and adults just referred to have traded spending time in real-world interactions, which would hopefully be uplifting and positive, for social media vanity and video game violence. Many studies have shown poorer family functioning in households with high media use. Is it the content of the media that’s the problem? Or the absence of the family interactions that would have taken place if the power was out? Likely both. <br />
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Media addictions can easily develop now that technology has become so portable and powerful. Eighty percent of teens check their phones at least hourly, and many adults are not far behind. Studies have even shown that smartphones are distracting even when they’re powered off, as our minds wander and wonder if someone has responded to our last text or email or “liked” our status update.<br />
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Now, the elephant in the room, when you are talking of technology addictions, is how to prevent them in a world saturated with technology. Do we just say to our children, “Here’s your iPad, be careful,” and give no further guidelines? Would we hand our child cocaine and say, “Here ya go, be careful,”? <br />
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An iPad isn’t cocaine, but for some people it’s very much like it. We’ve known for a long time that some groups of people (Native Americans) struggle with alcoholism, and we’ve actually found the gene for that in DNA studies. It now appears that the propensity to addiction goes beyond just alcohol/drugs to behavioral addictions like gambling, eating disorders, and media addictions. There is some strong evidence that about 50% of the propensity to addiction is genetic, and 50% is poor coping skills. I have known families that allow what I’d call excessive amounts of technology use, and families that are extremely strict about screen time, and both groups have had some children who’ve struggled with media addiction and some who have not. Some success and some failure from BOTH types of parenting. Is it Nature or Nurture? It appears, in the worst cases of technology addiction, to be both.<br />
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Tough stuff. Not fun to deal with. When I was thinking about writing an article summing up my research, I remembered a time four years ago when we had just received our three now-almost-adopted kids into foster care. They were really wild and did not "respond to voice commands" very well. I was severely outnumbered whenever I went out with a 6, 3, 2, and 1 year old. I could get the 1- and 2-year-olds into the shopping carts with double seats, and the 6 year old would usually stay pretty close. But the 3-year-old was impossible. She wouldn't stay with me and was constantly in danger of getting lost or running into a busy parking lot. So we would stay home. I remember telling them over and over, "When you have learned to stay with mommy when we go out, we can go out more. But I HAVE to keep you safe--that's the most important thing." <br />
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<b>Today we have an epidemic of children "running away from mommy in public places"</b>--escaping from their parents' safeguards into the public places of Snapchat, Instagram, and numerous other <a href="https://educateempowerkids.org/dangerous-apps-2017/">amoral playgrounds</a>. The risk of encountering bullying and sexualized content vary with each, and vary with the type of people your child allows to be their friends (followers, etc.). If a parent is strict about which apps are allowed, a child can simply download apps which are hidden underneath other apps--things that look like calculators or calendars. The draw for many kids is powerful enough that there is an increase in defiant or deceptive behavior to access them -- "everybody's doing it." The ironic thing is that it's usually done from their bedrooms--their mattresses have permanent depressions from their bodies where they lay all summer looking at their phones. But they are indeed running--away from the safety of their families into a jungle of fluff and filth.<br />
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And danger. Years ago I worked with a nurse in Utah who told me an alarming story. She had noticed that they were getting a lot of phone calls in which the caller would immediately hang up (this was in the dinosaur ages before caller ID). Sometimes her three-year-old daughter would answer the phone when the parents were busy and begin chatting and they would assume that she was talking to her grandma. But one day she overheard a man's voice on the phone with her daughter, and when she took the phone away from her and asked who it was, he hung up. She asked her daughter who it was and she said it was her special friend, and she talked to him all the time. When questioned she said that he had been asking her to tell him where she lived. Luckily she was just a bit too young to know her address. A year or two later and she'd have gladly related that information to her "special friend."<br />
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In the good old days, a predator had to go around the parent to get to the child, and that wasn't very easy because there was usually a parent at home with the kids, and there was one phone, connected to the wall, which anyone could answer. But now we are giving phones to our kids--my 10 year old says that most of the kids in her class have their own phones. Even if it doesn't have internet access, there are plenty of ways for predators to acquire your child's phone number and attempt to become his "special friend."<br />
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A woman that I know works in law enforcement and specialized in human trafficking. She works mostly with children and teens in the public schools here in Northern Virginia. She recently told me that there are hundreds of children trafficked for sex every single day in this county. While at-risk youth are certainly a target (foster kids are prime victims) many are "regular kids" trafficked after school before their parents come home. Sold to the highest bidder by gang members or punks who threaten their safety or blackmail them--the blackmail usually involves a sexting picture that they've been persuaded/coerced into doing. My friend who specializes in this problem (and helps to get the victims into treatment) says that this ALWAYS starts through their phones as they network at first with friends who may be safe but then soon are out of their depth--wandering technologically through a labyrinth full of Minotaurs.<br />
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So let's be careful. Here are some good comments from a couple of Mom forums I am in:<br />
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“Years ago we had a problem with one of our kids being threatened via social media. We only knew about it because we were proactive parents who checked our children’s social media."<br />
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“From your comments it seems you are starting to see a problem, and you are wondering where agency fits in. If your child was being unsafe and irresponsible with the car, would you let him drive? A cell phone is not a necessity. He is perfectly capable of growing up without one. Perhaps he is not mature enough to face this temptation right now."<br />
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But how do we prepare our kids for the day when they leave home? How will they be able to self-regulate and keep themselves safe if they've not had a lot of practice? A few things I’ve learned from working with my kids’ counselors apply here: </div>
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**Be the parent. Know your children and let them know you. Develop, nurture and maintain the kind of relationship that will create the trust necessary for them to willingly let you into these parts of their lives. And also maintain the expectation that you, as the parent, be able to access their social media and all types of messages at any time. Trust, but verify. Talk with them. Teach them. Set boundaries and enforce consequences when when the boundaries are broken.<br />
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**Help your child improve his emotional IQ. "Are you feeling uncomfortable? Name your emotion (bored, lonely, angry, anxious, afraid, stressed, hungry, or tired), and name what you want to do to relieve it." “I feel lonely. I think I’ll call my mom.” “I feel hungry. I think I’ll have an apple.” Putting emotions into words will help you process your desires at the level of the thinking brain, rather than the emotional brain.<br />
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**Delay gratification You don’t need to stop at a fast food restaurant each time your child has a small twinge of hunger. Remind him of when he recently ate, and when he will eat again. Teach him to “sit with a feeling” which will gradually increase his tolerance of emotional discomfort. A person will become stronger to resist temptations of all sorts if he knows that he has some grit and resiliency.<br />
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There is no easy fix to this problem. We are very naive still in this infancy of the digital age, and I hope that we will smarten up before the burden and privilege of technology crushes us and our kids.<br />
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The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-7805420946222509632016-06-25T13:36:00.002-04:002016-08-28T23:15:50.897-04:00Are We Liber? Or Chattel?<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Ancients drew a distinction between those fit to be free, to self-rule, and those who must have someone always supervising them. Liber, the former, were people of learning, people of the book, and chattel are the latter, those who must be controlled by someone. Race was irrelevant in ancient ideas of slavery. The key was whether you had an education--which idea unfortunately followed the slavers to America, and made educating a slave a criminal offense. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Education is seen as crucial to success in life. Today few Americans are farmers and ranchers, and even they usually have extensive understanding of the science involved in their trade and often employ accountants - they need an education too. But education in what? That's the part that no one can agree on. When we say "education" do we really mean "training"? Teaching reading, writing, and 'rithmetic--is that truly educating? What shall we read - trendy novels and magazines? What about computer programming, cooking, and comprehensive sexuality education (known around here as "Family Life Education")--do those count toward becoming an educated person?</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In <i>Climbing Parnassus,</i> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Tracy Lee Simmons says </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">“Education, that vague and official word for what goes on in our schools, has been a trinket on the shelves of snake oil salesmen and a plaything for social planners in America for over a century. They have been driven by the spirit of ceaseless innovation. And we have paid a high price. The peddlers have shrouded the higher and subtler goals of learning which former generations accepted and promoted. These bringers of the New have traded in the ancient ideal of wisdom for a spurious 'adjustment' of the mind, settling for fitting us with the most menial of skills needful for the world of the interchangeable part. They have decided we are less, not more, than wiser people have hoped humanity might have become. We are masses to be housed and fed, not minds and souls seeking something beyond ourselves.” </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I believe in the definition of education that was prevalent in the time of the ancient Greeks, that the purpose of education is to instill virtue in a person. How is this to be done? Reading, discussing, writing, discussing, going deep into a subject, doing an internship or other hands-on experience, discussing, giving service, and discussing. Why so much discussion? First, because (supposedly) you remember 80% of what you said in a discussion, and only 20% of what the other person said. And second, because it allows the person to process what they have just learned, to tease apart what may have been truth or error in it, and to formulate and defend their own ideas about it. Sometimes the mentor plays the devil's advocate, sometimes not, but either way a person is better prepared to meet the world after he has followed this process. In </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Dorothy Sayers, "The Lost Tools of Learning" she says:</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="background-color: white;">For we let our young men and women go out unarmed, in a day when armor was never so necessary. By teaching them all to read, we have left them at the mercy of the printed word. By the invention of the film and the radio, we have made certain that no aversion to reading shall secure them from the incessant battery of words, words, words. They do not know what the words mean; they do not know how to ward them off or blunt their edge or fling them back; they are a prey to words in their emotions instead of being the masters of them in their intellects. We who were scandalized in 1940 when men were sent to fight armored tanks with rifles, are not scandalized when young men and women are sent into the world to fight massed propaganda with a smattering of "subjects"; and when whole classes and whole nations become hypnotized by the arts of the spell binder, we have the impudence to be astonished. We dole out lip-service to the importance of education--lip-service and, just occasionally, a little grant of money; we postpone the school-leaving age, and plan to build bigger and better schools; the teachers slave conscientiously in and out of school hours; and yet, as I believe, all this devoted effort is largely frustrated, because we have lost the tools of learning, and in their absence can only make a botched and piecemeal job of it. </span></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It makes me wonder...how many of the PhD's out there would Ms. Sayers view as being susceptible to propaganda because they've not been through a process of learning to take a bird's eye view of an idea, then zoom in and examine if from all perspectives. This is hard mental work, and few are willing to pay the price, but rather will swallow the lamest sound-bite as if it were gospel truth. I believe this is one reason we as humans always return to tribalism, especially in difficult times. We've no time or patience to dig for truth, especially if it's on the other side of the fence from where we stand. We'll just go along with the herd, staying in the center for protection from the wolves.</span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 22.08px;">Here's another viewpoint on that idea:</span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: black; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“One of the chief objects of education is to train flexibility of mind, to make a man quick to comprehend other points of view than his own. Obviously, no power is more necessary in dealing with men. To be able to discard for the moment his own opinions, and see the world through the eyes of other classes, races, or types, is as indispensable to the merchant as to the statesman; for men are hardly to be controlled or influenced unless they are understood. And yet no power is rarer. It is almost non-existent among uneducated people. A man who has not risen above the elementary school is hardly ever able to seize an attitude of mind at all different to his own; he may acquiesce in it because he trusts or respects the character of the person in question, but he does not understand it; he cannot perform the great feat for which our intellectual gymnasia train us, of being in two (or more) people’s skins at the same time. And this is not due to the absence of any organ from his body, but simply to the fact that he has never practiced the art.” </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span id="docs-internal-guid-ddd647ae-88ca-45d7-ccc7-ead1c4089deb"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 16px; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Sir Richard Winn Livingstone, “A Defense of Classical Education” 1917</span></span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">To sum up (sort-of) this idea of the reasons and major methodology to become an educated person, let me just say that at some point in this life or the next we must all face the fact that, though we know very little compared to God, we have a responsibility to grow our own intelligence through reading His words along with the best that has been written by members of the human race, and incorporating the principles that resonate with us. </span><br />
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The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-18678878580888994222016-06-12T10:22:00.002-04:002016-06-25T12:52:12.606-04:00Last thoughts on "Scaffolding Math"I recently presented a class on math education during the STEM seminar at the Latter-day Saint Home Educators conference. The transcript, handout, and PowerPoint are linked in the side bar, but I found so many great quotes (that I wanted to use but ran out of time) that I feel like putting a few of them up on my blog.<br />
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From the <a href="http://www.maa.org/programs/faculty-and-departments/curriculum-department-guidelines-recommendations/teaching-and-learning/math-ed-listens-to-cog-psy">Mathematical Association of America website</a>:<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Japanese cognitive psychologist, Giyoo Hatano, gave the following five "characterizations" of long-term knowledge acquisition, with which, he felt, most cognitive psychologists would agree. And with which, most mathematics education researchers would agree.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Knowledge is acquired by construction, not by transmission alone. Compelling evidence for this is provided by the work on procedural bugs and misconceptions -- it is highly unlikely that students acquire them from direct teaching. For example, young children often make systematic subtraction errors, the most common of which is always subtracting the smaller digit from the larger, regardless of position, and many preservice elementary teachers believe "division (always) makes smaller." Surely, no one taught them this.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Knowledge acquisition involves restructuring -- not only does the amount of a person's knowledge gradually increase, it gets reorganized. Children do not think like miniature or incomplete adults. For example, in attributing unknown properties to animate objects, Hatano found young children rely on similarity-based inference, whereas older children and adults use category-based inference. He finds studies of conceptual change, both in the history of science and in cognitive development, especially relevant because fundamental conceptual change is perhaps the most radical kind of (mental) restructuring. [Cf. Carey, "Conceptual differences between children and adults," Mind and Language 3, 1988; Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions, University of Chicago Press, 1970.]</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The process of knowledge acquisition is constrained both internally, by what one already knows, and externally, by cultural artifacts such as shared language and notation. This explains, in part, why different individuals acquire similar, but not identical, knowledge.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Knowledge is domain specific. This serves cognitive economy -- in problem solving, one need only access relevant knowledge. However, what is acquired in one domain can be transferred to another (e.g., through analogy) or generalized to a variety of domains (e.g., by abstracting structural commonalties).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Knowledge acquisition is "situated," i.e., it reflects how it was originally acquired and has been used -- it consists not only of abstract rules, laws, and formulas, but also of personal experiences. Becoming an expert, say in mathematics or physics, may be a process of "desituating" one's knowledge to make it less context-bound, less tied to surface features.</span><br />
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From the <a href="http://ohiorc.org/for/math/stella/background/problem_solving.aspx">Stella's Stunners website</a>:<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There are several reasons for students' resistance to problem solving. One is that some hard work may well be involved — how much is unknown. Students these days are typically overbooked, overscheduled, and caught up in the spell cast by e-mails, texting, Facebook, video games, and all of the other engrossing ways of spending time. Who wants to sit and stare at a problem, waiting for an idea to hit? Another inhibitor is that we simply do not like to be in situations where we feel frustrated and incompetent. And related to this discomfort, for some students, is the fact that hard thinking evokes other problems with considerably more emotional weight: "Why didn't Dad come home last night?" "What if Mom loses her job?" "What if I'm pregnant?" It can be difficult in such circumstances to entice students to engage in problem solving, thinking in ways not previously experienced, for an unknown length of time, and with no certainty of success.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">But education is all about training minds to be imaginative, savvy, persistent, and resourceful — exactly the characteristics our public leaders say our students lack. Trudging through mathematics textbooks, year after year, is not in itself going to help students become the skilled mathematicians, scientists, technicians, or even literate citizens our global economy requires. It is the opportunity to grapple with and solve non-routine problems, problems that are not necessarily clearly defined, that provides students, our prospective adults, with the intellectual robustness that our country needs in its citizens.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">From <a href="http://www.hoyletutoring.com/Docs/Benezet_The_Teaching_of_Arithmetic.pdf">"The Teaching of Arithmetic I: The Story of an Experiment, by L.P. Benezet</a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I went into a certain eighth-grade room one day and was accompanied by a
stenographer who took down, verbatim, the answers given me by the children. I was trying to get the
children to tell me, in their own words, that if you have two fractions with the same numerator, the one
with the smaller denominator is the larger. I quote typical answers. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">• "The smaller number in fractions is always the largest." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> • "If you had one thing and cut it into pieces the smaller piece will be the bigger. I mean the one
you could cut the least pieces in would be the bigger pieces." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">• "The denominator that is smallest is the largest." </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The average layman will think that this must have been a group of half-wits, but I can assure you that it
is typical of the attempts of fourteen-year-old children from any part of the country to put their ideas into
English. The trouble was not with the children or with the teacher; it was with the curriculum. If the
course of study required that the children master long division before leaving the fourth grade and
fractions before finishing the fifth, then the teacher had to spend hours and hours on this work to the
neglect of giving children practice in speaking the English language.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">...I feel that it is all nonsense to take eight years to get children through the ordinary
arithmetic assignment of the elementary schools. What possible need has a ten-year-old
child for a knowledge of long division? <b>The whole subject of arithmetic could be postponed
until the seventh year of school, and it could be mastered in two years' study by any normal
child. </b></span><br />
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And from an article in <a href="http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2014/09/15/common-core-math-education-standards-fluency-column/15693531/">USAToday</a>:<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Math as rules starts early. Kids learn in elementary school that you can "add a zero to multiply by ten." And it's true, 237 x 10 = 2370. Never mind why. But then when kids learn decimals, the rule fails: 2.37 x 10 is not 2.370. One approach is to simply add another rule. But that's not the best way.</span><br />
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Common Core saves us from plug-and-chug. In fact, math is based on a collection of ideas that do make sense. The rules come from the ideas. Common Core asks students to learn math this way, with both computational fluency and understanding of the ideas.</span><br />
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Learning math this way leads to deeper understanding, obviates the need for endless rule-memorizing and provides the intellectual flexibility to apply math in new situations, ones for which the rules need to be adapted. (It's also a lot more fun.) Combining computational fluency with understanding makes for problem solvers who can genuinely use their math. This is what businesses want and what is necessary to use math in a quantitative discipline.</span><br />
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Here is what good math learning produces: Students who can compute correctly and wisely, choosing the best way to do a given computation; students who can explain what they are doing when they solve a problem or use math to analyze a situation; and students who have the flexibility and understanding to find the best approach to a new problem.</span><br />
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I thoroughly agree with all of the above--including the attempt to revamp math education in the U.S.--but with one caveat. It's impossible to TEACH math in a way that gets a GROUP of children to understand--to deeply rather than superficially understand. Each person must build their own structure of understanding within their own brain--it cannot be mass produced. Sorry educators, you have good intentions, and the OUTCOME you're after is the right one. But it's not within your power to construct something in someone else's brain.<br />
Individual tutoring was for centuries the education of rich men's children, and the results were and continue to be superior to teaching in groups. The human brain is the most complex structure in the universe, so finding even two children who are at exactly the same point in their understanding of math concepts, so that you can instruct them together, is fruitless. Even teaching one child is very hit and miss--you still must find a way to know exactly where he's at so that you can help him move his understanding of the topic along.<br />
I strongly believe that when teaching DOES yield deep learning, it is a serendipitous combination of things that were happening in the child's real life (life outside of school is real)--problems he was faced with, things he was thinking about, etc.--together with just the right topic being presented at the right time with the right spin by the right person. Anything else leads to the "memorize, test, forget" cycle. Since all those "rights" rarely occur, most of the math understanding we move forward in our lives with is something we created in our down-time: playing games, building things, pondering on why numbers do this or that, etc.<br />
As Lev Vygotsky said, “Practical experience … shows that direct teaching of concepts is impossible and fruitless. A teacher who tries to do this usually accomplishes nothing but empty verbalism, a parrot-like repetition of words by the child, simulating a knowledge of the corresponding concepts but actually covering up a vacuum.” <br />
<br />
Teachers do a great deal of good in the practical day-to-day running of the world, but if schools were abolished, children would still learn. As Hugh Nibley said, "My only job as a teacher is to save my students time." In other words, a teacher is someone to point you in the right direction when you're on a quest to learn something. The key: it has to be the LEARNER'S quest, not the teacher's, or nothing of importance will happen in the learner's mind.<br />
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<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-46603797523662442462015-12-26T06:29:00.001-05:002016-04-26T05:51:59.421-04:00The Christmas Kids<i>Once upon a time three small children needed a new home at Christmas time. They found a family with one small and several big children, and spent a lovely time with them over the holidays. Though there were a lot of things to recover from, they healed and relaxed and changed and grew. Nearly a year passed. Then it was time to go home again. </i><br />
<i>The family missed them and they missed the family, though they were happy to be back with their mom. A few weeks after they went home, it was Christmas time again. The family was able to pick them up and take them to see the lights at the temple, and they had a grand time together.</i><br />
<i>Time passed--almost one year to be exact. They needed a new home again. God had been watching out for them, and this family was again ready to welcome kids into their home. So they came back, and the party commenced again! The whole community rallied around them, and many friends arrived with gifts for the children. </i><br />
<i>On Christmas morning there were so many gifts under the tree that the children had to spread out into another room and make stacks of their gifts. The disembowling took over an hour, even at top speed! The kids had a long, fun day together, and are set to begin again to heal and relax and change and grow.</i><br />
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Thanks to everyone who helped make these kids super happy yesterday. We don't know the outcome of this placement--one never does. But the transition has been very smooth this time, and we don't expect things to be nearly as difficult (for them and us) as last time.The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-37188693992979005012015-11-09T08:57:00.001-05:002016-07-24T00:03:28.571-04:00Standing on One FootThis has been a strange year. My husband went back to work today for the first time this year. He was laid off from his job right before Christmas (chief economist for the National Mining Association--Obama said before he was elected that he was going to kill coal, and his efforts in that department have had large ripples). The unemployment went on much longer than we had anticipated, and we'd have done some things differently if we'd known how long it was going to be. But the most difficult thing about it was exactly that--the unknown. That's what made me feel as if I were balancing on one foot, just a bit unstable. Not knowing where the next step was going to be, so unable to set that other foot down anywhere.<br />
<br />
The finances were a stress, but not a super big one since we had some personal savings. Believe me, there's been many times in our marriage that we've been living from paycheck to paycheck, but (a blessing!) this wasn't one of them. For nearly the first 20 years of our marriage I worked to make ends meet while Paul was in school and internships, etc. I hated being away from our kids, so I would just work enough to pay the bills, but no more. So though we had retirement building up, there was nothing to carry us over speed bumps. Having the savings available was a huge blessing when the paychecks stopped coming this time. <br />
<br />
And speaking of time, it was wonderful to have my husband around! I had always wondered if we were going to drive each other crazy when he retired; now I know that we'll be fine. He spent his days applying for jobs, fixing the car, doing woodworking, fixing the lawnmower (again), doing family history and service projects for church, and applying for jobs. And more jobs. But we also played with our kids a lot--inexpensive or free stuff like hiking was great. Paul was able to have that window of quiet in his life that I have had the last few years since I quit working (well, quiet is a relative term) to just enjoy being a dad to one cute little guy and four cute big ones.<br />
<br />
So the real challenge was not the lack of anything in our lives, but the addition of something: uncertainty. Would we move to Texas? To Idaho? Would we stay here but with less income so we'd need to sell (I made some home improvements this summer in preparation for that possibility). Women like stability, so this was the hardest one for me. I've felt happy, and calm, and grateful for blessings. But whenever I felt that I could begin to touch the toe of the other foot to the ground--just start to be more stable--that ground would shift and I'd be left in the balancing mode. I couldn't make plans, and I love plans.<br />
<br />
The worst indecision was feeling like maybe I should go back to work as a critical care nurse--just dive in and take care of our family. I could do it. I've done it before. But I have a four year old, and he's very attached to his mommy. The biggest thing was that I knew if I went back to work, I'd resent it. I'd resent Paul for losing his job. I'd resent everyone who didn't keep NMA in a position to keep him employed there, and everyone who wasn't hiring him for every job he applied for. I prayed about what I should do, and got strong promptings to keep the faith: in Paul that he'd find a job, in Heavenly Father that he would bless us. I would be willing to go back to work only if we had tried everything else, including selling the house and living on the equity for a while. At least if that were to happen, it would buy me some more time in raising our little guy through these important early years.<br />
<br />
We're still not "out of the woods" (though we can still live in the woods--our woods). This job is just a place-holder for a better one that will hopefully come along soon--it's in the works, but nothing is certain. But I'm so grateful for a regular paycheck that I felt I should shout that to the world. So I wrote a blog post about it. ;-)<br />
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<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-51017303539533118122015-11-06T07:11:00.003-05:002015-11-12T20:38:54.708-05:00Job 28, Education, and Opportunity Costs<div class="MsoNormal">
I love this passage in Job 28:<o:p></o:p></div>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
But where shall wisdom be found? and where is the
place of understanding? Man knoweth not the price thereof; neither is it
found in the land of the living. The depth saith, It is not in
me: and the sea saith, It is not with me....<br />
Whence then cometh wisdom? and where is the place
of understanding? Seeing it is hid from the eyes of all living, and kept
close from the fowls of the air....God understandeth the way thereof, and he
knoweth the place thereof... And unto man he said, <i>Behold, the fear of
the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding.</i></blockquote>
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Recently I was reading an article in a Northern Virginia
magazine about how to get your child into some of the top private schools in
the area. The writer was hyperventilating about how great some of these
schools are, and it made me smile--and feel sad--and think about the wisdom of
this path. Job said that wisdom is difficult to find--can it be found at school? If we do put our children in school in order that they may gain in wisdom (and what other worthy reason could there be?) let's hope that they are successful, since if there's one thing the study of economics has taught me it's
that every decision has "opportunity costs." If I choose that
thing, with my time, my money, my energy, I will not then be able to choose
that other thing with that same time, money, and energy. You have to look
at not just what is GAINED in a particular decision, but also what is LOST.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Parents are constantly confronted with information touting
the benefits of the schools--especially the private ones. But let's look first at the opportunity costs, then back at the wisdom question.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">*Time</span></b> is what life is made of. There are a limited
number of minutes between when your child is born and when he leaves your home
for good. But there are forces out there demanding your child's time, telling
parents that if their children don't spend most of their time in classrooms
when they are 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, and 18 that
they will be crippled in their future prospects. When we hear
"education" with our ears, we think "money" with our
brains: a good education is supposed to provide a good future income. And this
is true, in many cases, for higher education--but patently false for your
child's first years, and her second years. In fact, Ivy League schools are
openly recruiting students who have had a "non-traditional
education," knowing that the factors that make one successful in college
and beyond are often not well learned by those who've been sitting at desks for
most of the day, most of the year, most of their lives.<br />
<br />
<i>(Tangent Alert! The other under-emphasized fact is that the four to eight years spent at a desk
between the ages of 18 and 26 is often a waste of time too. Just Google
"successful college drop-outs" and you'll see some phenomenal lists,
starting with Steve Jobs. I'm not opposed to college the way I am to lots of formal
schooling before college, because at these ages people have developed their own
goals, and college can often get them to where they want to go. I am very
grateful for the wonderful experiences that my 22 year old is having at
BYU--learning things he's passionate about from brilliant professors, being
immersed in an atmosphere of learning and righteousness, taking advantage of
all the art and culture that is available there. He is not wasting his time at
college. But many do, and the exchange of years of your time plus tens of thousands of your dollars in
exchange for a degree in "white studies" or some other silliness is a poor one, especially when moral degradation is rampant in the environment you're immersed in: the lies of race and gender politics, socialism, and sexual promiscuity are daily fare on many campuses. Not wise....That was a tangent.)</i></div>
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<br />
So we must think about what is LOST in making the choice to send our children
to school: time. Many of the children the article discussed didn't even attend a
school that is close to them, but also spent time commuting before and after
school. Then there's lessons, sports, and homework (my biggest peeve--if they
can't get their learning done in 7 hours at school, why spend that 7 hours at
school!). At this rate the time spent as a family is minuscule. Study after study has confirmed that in families who eat dinner together--just
20 minutes or so a day--the children fare much better on a host of desired outcomes
from emotional health and avoidance of self-destructive behaviors to their
grades in school. Think about unleashing the power of family on a large
scale by spending much of each day together--either at home or out and
about--it's a powerful thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So family time is sacrificed on the altar of school, but perhaps
even more important is that personal time is lost--the time children spend developing their own person. They lose playtime, which is the most
important time for brain-building in childhood. They lose pondering time,
to think about themselves and their family and their world and their Heavenly
Father. They lose time in nature; time to develop the scientist within by
making observations and predictions and being able to observe outcomes.
The only use that is made of the amazing human hand, for the most part,
is in holding a pencil and being raised to obtain permission to go to the
bathroom. What about development of the cerebellum that comes through
manipulating objects from Legos to clay to fabric and yarn? Building,
sculpting, sewing and crocheting all strengthen neural pathways that improve memory. </div>
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The slow pace of life a few generations ago (hard work, but not frenetic) has been replaced with rush, rush, rush, do this task, check this box, something going on every minute. Is it really wise to spend childhood this way? Does it teach wisdom?</div>
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<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: large; font-weight: bold;">*Autonomy </span>(a.k.a. creativity, independent<b> </b></span>thinking, entrepreneurship) is also lost in the trade-off to put children in school. As just mentioned, if a child is not free to use his time how he sees fit, he will not be able to direct his energies toward the playing, creating, and daydreaming that I believe are so important. There is concern by many that the younger generation is not developing the thought processes that lead to innovation and creativity (<a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity?language=en">this TED talk</a> has been viewed 35 million times). For the past twenty years or so there has been an increasing emphasis on the group, on working together, on cooperation. It's as if educrats think they can unite the brains of children to function as one, like in the book <i>A Wrinkle In Time</i>. It's been creeping me out that I'm seeing this in the field of math education now as well. It's one thing to assign a group to work together to build a diorama or something (though usually one person ends up doing most of the work) but I've been reading about math becoming the new method of teaching "social justice." Group math problems are assigned, and each child is given a role: one person comes up with different strategies, one person evaluates the strategies, one person performs the calculations, one person takes notes, one person bosses everyone else around, etc. No one "owns" the process. Failure and success are equally spread between students, so no one is really invested in the effort, since it will not be to his benefit or detraction very much.<br />
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<o:p></o:p>
I'm not going to go into why I think this is type of teaching is trendy, but simply observe that what is left out in the cold is innovation. Even the most creative role here (coming up with strategies) is handicapped by having to get them past "the committee." Groupthink is never going to equal one mind soaring into imagination, and the new ideas that come from that. <a href="http://www.economist.com/node/21559618">See this article</a> from The Economist, speaking to Europe's "chronic failure to encourage ambitious entrepreneurs." <a href="http://ldsmag.com/calculating-consequences/#.VjtOopsgROw.facebook">See this stunning example</a> of a youth who has never been taught that his own efforts will equal his own failures and successes (maybe lots of group math projects in his background?). And <a href="http://national.deseretnews.com/article/4827/the-school-that-puts-kids-in-charge-of-their-own-education.html">here is an article</a> that talks about a Sudbury school, where children are completely in charge of their own education.<br />
<br />
It's easy to see two things: #1 we do need to learn to work with others, and #2 we do need time and opportunity to daydream and create. Most children are fresh and creative in the morning, so that's the opportunity cost at work when we give those creative hours to the school so the kids can sit at a desk and be told exactly what to do. #2 is sacrificed for #1. (S<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/answer-sheet/wp/2015/11/03/a-venture-capitalist-searches-for-the-purpose-of-school-heres-what-he-found/">ee this article about the purpose of school</a>, which leads into...)<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>*Truth-seeking</b></span> is not something that happens at school very much. The general public thinks that schools are for conveying information (which doesn't necessarily correlate with truth), but as the above article points out, the passive nature of this information conveyance is one reason for the lack of retention beyond the test. But it goes deeper than that. Because of the desire to convey information to thirty kids at once, teachers cut truth corners. They dispense with the correct understanding of truth: that it's a journey. Teachers often leave out contrary opinions to the "facts" presented, simply because they don't have the time or interest in getting into them. For example, the teaching of history is often simplified so much (and turned into sociopolitical propaganda) that if the ghosts of the people who lived then were listening to the discussion, they wouldn't recognize themselves and their time. In math classes kids are taught not only that there is only one solution to a math "problem" but that there is only one WAY to properly solve it (if you think there's only one solution to any given problem, you should read <i>Flatterland</i>, by Ian Stewart). Science...don't even get me started. No nuances, no flexibility, no recognition that what is presented as a fact today may be scorned as nonsense in a future generation.<br />
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The worst offender is the beastly invention called a textbook. Written by committees, it suffers from the same problems noted above about groupthink, but the worst of it is the anonymity. If a book has one person's name on the cover, you understand that it is one person's opinion about the topic, and shouldn't be taken as gospel. Without that reality check, naive people (like children) get the impression that everything between the covers is the absolute, objective truth that everyone on the planet agrees upon.<br />
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I recently was reading <i>Wild Swans: Three Daughters of China</i> by Jung Chang (so good, and horrifying). In the introduction she discusses how she was able to leave China to study at a university in England--linguistics was her major--where she had a huge epiphany.<br />
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I remember the day that I went to discuss the plan for my thesis with my supervisor, Professor Le Page, who, through his sensitive presence alone, had already begun to help dispel the perpetual anxiety and sudden panic that were embedded in me. His mildly ironic manner and understated authority constantly reassured me, as England did, that I had come to a just place, and that I had nothing to worry about. Feeling totally relaxed, I babbled on about my views on the linguistic theories I was supposed to survey. He listened, and at the end asked me, "Couldn't you show my your thesis?" I was nonplussed, and exclaimed, "But I haven't started it yet!" He said, "But you have all the conclusions."<br />
That single remark untied a strangling knot fastened around my brain by a totalitarian "education." We in China had been trained not to draw conclusions from facts, but to start with Marxist theories or Mao thoughts or the Party line and to deny, even condemn, the facts that did not suit them.</blockquote>
This same game is played in American education, to a lesser, but still significant extent. Consider a typical school test. A child must read a question and pick one of four answers as the right one. There is disgrace in choosing three of the four, including the possibility of having the limited amount of time he has available to follow his own interests replaced by the memorization of more "facts" about the subject. That is called punishment, and without thinking we do this to kids every day. So they memorize those facts to the tune of the carrot and the stick, and I believe this shuts out the deeper thinking that may have occurred regarding the topic if a free discussion and hands-on exploration were the methodology pursued--without the threat of a quiz at the end.<br />
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From the above <i>Washington Post</i> article:<br />
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From my 30-year career, I was clear about what young adults will need in the 21st Century. Yet, I kept seeing variants of that darn 3rd grade simple-machines lesson. Creative expansive thinking turning into narrow, prescriptive “right answers,”. Inquisitiveness shriveling up into “Will this be on the test?” A joy for learning worn down into time-efficient hoop-jumping. A willingness to take intellectual risks morphing into formulaic responses without risk of embarrassment.</blockquote>
How, then, would the teacher assess understanding without right and wrong answers filled in on a bubble sheet? Well, does a good grade on a quiz equal understanding of a topic? Or that the student will remember anything about it a year later? That's going off on another tangent, but the main point is that the stress surrounding learning is NOT conducive to good learning, to deep thinking. So we get generations of shallow thinkers, programmed to knee-jerk answers and sound-bite comebacks, without a thought to seeking underlying truths.<br />
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What to do? Do you have to begin every sentence with "Some people believe that..."? No, but you state on a regular basis that we need to be humble about what we think we know, since new ideas could emerge that would require us to consider them. And you pull out some good examples like how everyone used to be taught that everyone used to believe that the world was flat, but in fact many ancient people understood that it is a sphere. And how just a few years ago, cholesterol caused heart attacks, but now it doesn't (funny how that happens...). And then discussion, discussion, discussion--stating what you think to be true, poking at it to see where you might have a weak spot, etc. Often the right answer is "None of the above."<br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>*Wisdom</b></span> is always in short supply. I'm quite certain that I'm not wise, but that awareness causes me to "seek learning even by study and also by faith." That takes time, it takes being independent-minded, and it takes a strong desire to search for truth. I pray that we give our children this opportunity to seek wisdom as well, and not just in the small spaces between other activities, but as part and parcel of what they do every day.</div>
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The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-30653697980526584922015-03-04T08:14:00.002-05:002015-03-04T08:14:38.775-05:00Homeschoolers and College: Five Essentials<div class="MsoNormal">
When my kids were little,
preparing for college was just a worry in the back of my mind. They would certainly go after they graduated
from our homeschool, but until it got close I didn’t have to think about it,
right?<o:p></o:p></div>
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Wrong! Now that we're in our twenty-first year of
homeschooling and have sent three kids off to college, I've formed some
definite ideas about what it takes to succeed there. Here are the five things I believe to be
most essential to launching a young adult into the big world of college. They are all things that must be built
gradually, starting from a young age.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>First: Spiritual Maturity</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Does your child have a strong
testimony of the gospel? Does he have
habits that will maintain his testimony in the absence of parental
oversight? Does he know the joy of
service, in and out of the church? We
set an example for our children in all areas of our lives, and there are things
best taught by deeds. As we do our
visiting teaching, as our children see us reading our scriptures and attending
the temple, and as we share our feelings about these things with them in daily
devotionals, they will have a firm foundation for their own spiritual growth.
Temptations abound on LDS and non-LDS campuses alike. “Testimony: Don’t Leave Home Without It.”<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Second: Emotional Maturity</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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A large challenge when moving
into young adulthood isn’t knowing what to do, but being able to make oneself
do it. Your teen knows she should eat
vegetables, but with you not there to put them on her plate will they end up in
her mouth? She knows she shouldn’t sign
up for a credit card unless she has a job (and probably not even then), but
they were offering those free T-shirts!
She knows she shouldn’t get into a car with someone she doesn’t know,
even if her roommate is, but it was cold and she didn’t want to walk home! Impulsivity and lack of maturity cause
freshmen to sometimes make decisions that they come to regret.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Does your child (especially if
she’s shy) have the guts to go knock on her professor’s office door to seek
help with a concept she doesn’t understand?
Does she have the time-management skills to pace herself with big papers
and assignments? Can she make herself go
sit in the hard chairs in the library to study for an exam while her roommates
are watching a favorite TV show?<o:p></o:p></div>
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College is supposed to be a
training ground for life. Unfortunately,
it’s a very expensive one, and if your child doesn’t have the maturity to do
hard things, sending her off to college will not fix that. “Baby steps” toward self-discipline could
include having her begin to take charge of scarier tasks and more complex
issues while still living at home: making her own appointments, taking classes
from someone other than mom, meeting deadlines and fulfilling assignments. Home education is great, but in the high
school years (if not before) dealing with people outside the home is
essential. Simply getting a job will go
a long way to building the skills and confidence that are so important in
college.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Third: High-Level Reading</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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I recently led a discussion in
which more than twenty teens each presented a book that they thought everyone
should read for our book club, and yes, homeschoolers love Narnia and Lord of
the Rings. I love these books too, but
if your teen’s reading never goes beyond this, he’ll have trouble in
college. Depending on what he majors in,
he could have hundreds of pages per week of dense college texts to read,
digest, and recall the major points of for class discussion and testing. <o:p></o:p></div>
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To prepare for this, your child
needs both quality and quantity: he needs to challenge himself by exploring new
types of fiction and non-fiction–at times reading for speed and at other times
for contemplation. Study <i>How to Read a Book</i> by Adler and Van
Doren as a primer on this topic. Your
child needs practice in marking up a text and taking notes on what he’s
read. Involving him in outside or online
classes where these types of skills are required is a good way to start–and a
safe place to fail if that is the outcome.
We want to have our failures <i>before</i>
college if necessary, so that educational gaps will be identified and important
lessons learned.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b>Fourth: Writing--Speed vs. Quality</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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The twenty-five minute essay
test on the SAT has been the bane of my kids’ existence. We don’t run our homeschool on a strict
schedule (I’m not sure who does!) so my kids are used to taking their time on a
piece of writing that they care about.
Sadly, on the SAT and afterwards in college, you often have to write
about things you <i>don’t</i> care about,
and write quickly because you have three other things also due the next
day. Traditionally-schooled students get
lots of writing practice assigned–lots more than I’ve ever had my kids do–and
start at a young age. I tend to think
that writing is the culmination of so many other skills that it is vulnerable
to over-ambitious writing programs that extinguish the simple joy of self
expression. But there is certainly value
to having kids begin writing essays in middle school, starting with fluffy
topics and gradually becoming more serious, culminating with research
papers. Helping kids distinguish between
a writing-for-quality paper vs. a writing-for-speed paper (an essay for your
English class vs. a report for your geology class) is also a worthy topic of
discussion in the high school years.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Fifth: Confidence in Math</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Math is seen as a hurdle by many
high school students–both on college entrance exams and in a college-prep high
school curriculum. The difference
between facing higher math with anxiety or confidence begins much earlier, as
we help our young children develop number sense, followed by operation sense,
followed by function sense. From the
get-go, focus on math using things that can be seen and touched. Leave working with symbols and the artificial
conventions of math “problems” (like regrouping for subtraction) until the
child has a concrete understanding of what is going on with quantities in the
real world. Building a logical brain is
really fun: puzzles, games, pattern-making, etc. My three year-old loves the DragonBox algebra
app, and apart from fussing about the amount of screen time he does, I love
that he’s already figuring out the logic behind balancing and simplifying
equations.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If your child is struggling with
math in the upper grades, it may be that he has learned to memorize the “steps”
without understanding the logic behind them.
Even if a college entrance exam is looming, don’t be afraid to go back
to math levels he is comfortable with, and have him work with manipulatives
(you can buy rods with variables for algebra) or translate complex problems
into simpler versions of the same operation so that he can visualize what is
going on. Using a program that takes a
very different approach to math than what was previously used can also help
those “Ah-hah” moments come along. My
son raised his SAT math score significantly after taking a few months to go
through the Life of Fred program–he had previously studied math with Saxon, but
Life of Fred helped him gain a wider perspective of math.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Good, Better, Best</b><o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Conventional wisdom says that
success in college is directly related to academic skills, but I’ve found this
to be off the mark. Though the latter
three points are essential, they are not to be emphasized at the expense of the
former two. Standardized testing
measures what you know but not how motivated and hard-working you are, and in
my opinion, this trumps academic knowledge in predicting college success. And good grades won’t make up for a loss of
spirituality when an immature soul makes bad choices because of the strong peer
pressure, in and out of the classroom, to discard God in favor of worldly
values. As Jessie Wise noted in <i>The Well-Trained Mind</i>, one mom told her,
after sending her daughter off to college, “I just spent forty thousand dollars
to ruin my daughter’s life.” Preparing
our kids academically is good, making sure they are emotionally prepared to
care for themselves while away from home is better, and making sure they face
the world wearing the full armor of God is best.<o:p></o:p></div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-17136721507075165742014-12-25T20:25:00.001-05:002014-12-25T20:33:36.525-05:00Merry Christmas!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Merry Christmas to all our friends and family! We love and pray for you, and hope that you are seeing the blessings of peace and prosperity in your lives that come from living “after the manner of happiness.” (2 Ne. 5:27) Here is what we’ve been up to.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We started the year with Seth, Luke, and Adrianne at home along with three young foster kids: Melissa, Yasmina, and Matthew. Quinn was in the Oregon Eugene mission, and Lindy and her husband Nick were living in Idaho Falls both working at an IT company. Paul continued his economist job at the National Mining Association in D.C., and I “attempted” to homeschool Luke while dealing with the challenges that our foster kids brought into our lives. It was a blessing to have Adrianne at home, as she really took over as Seth’s mommy while I was gone so much. And while I was home much of my time was spent working with the kids on their issues, and just being inundated by all of their needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After a few months things settled down a bit with the foster kids, and we got into some routines that worked for everyone. Then we got word that Lindy and Nick were going to be parents, which made us...(drum roll)...grandparents! I’m still wrapping my brain around that, especially as Seth is only three. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In May Luke and I went to Virginia Beach to assist with the three day Latter-day Saint Home Educators conference–I continue as chairman and Luke was on the game committee. It was a big success, with 800 attendees and fabulous presentations from many great folks including John Bytheway, Jericho Road, Merrilee Boyack, and Dr. Ariel Rodriguez (just to name a few of my favorites). One evening we had to move the family dance from the beachside deck of the Cavalier up to the 11th floor of the hotel because of a severe storm threatening off the coast. But that ended up being very cool because the room had floor to ceiling windows all around, and we watched the black clouds over the ocean and the big waves rolling in. John Bytheway had been stuck at JFK airport because his flight to Norfolk was cancelled, but the storm rolled away and we had a lovely time at the dance and our keynote speaker came in late that night and was at the podium the next morning–the power of prayer!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When summertime hit we had a great time at home with our new, big family. Paul and I built a play set and put in a raised bed garden, and the kids had a great time planting and watching things grow (and Seth and Matthew thought it was hilarious to run through the 20x4 foot bed in the soft dirt like it was a race track, mashing the baby plants while I ran over to yank them out). The kids spent hours of each day down at our cute little creek throwing rocks in it and building bridges, jumping on the trampoline, exploring in the woods, and swinging, sliding, and hanging on the monkey bars. We took them camping at Westmoreland state park where we have in past years found lots of fossil shark teeth at the edge of the Potomac river, but with these guys we weren’t able to spend much time there–too nerve-wracking that one of them was going to wade out too deep and get washed away–the pool was a much better fit for us.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In August we took a two week vacation to Utah and Idaho with our crew: a visit to Temple Square, an art festival on the Idaho Falls Greenbelt, hiking up to a mountain lake to catch millions of baby frogs, horseback riding, pools and playgrounds, picking huckleberries up in the mountains, family reunions, four-wheeling, fishing, and boating–we really packed it in and the kids went to bed exhausted every night instead of the adults, which was a nice change.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">After our return we were notified that the kids would be going back to their mother. We were grateful for some reasons and sad for others, and just continued to try to support them as they transitioned into spending weekends with their mom. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Adrianne had been taking some online IT classes trying to get an internship at the company that her sister works at, and at the beginning of September she went back to Idaho for a friend’s wedding, got a retail job, and eventually landed the internship. So between both jobs she’s been working 65 hour weeks--she didn’t want to bail out on TJMaxx during the holidays) but is looking forward to getting back to more reasonable hours.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">In October Seth and I got on another airplane to go help out with...baby Ivan Nicholas! Seth didn’t know what to think about being an uncle to such a noisy little lump, but I am in love with the little guy. A friend told me to snag a cool grandma name for myself, so I’m officially “Nana.”</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On November 18th Elder Quinn Georgia returned triumphant from his mission and we got to hug and hug and hug him. He’s so amazingly grown-up and also still quite silly, so it’s great. Then the next week we moved the kids back in with their mom, which was really heart-wrenching for all of us. We were able to see them last week and take two of them up to the Festival of Lights at the temple. They seemed to be doing pretty well.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Now we’re in the process of launching Quinn back into school at BYU Provo and then getting back to normal...or semi-normal, since life is always changing. Paul and I were just called to be family history consultants and Sunday school teachers, which starts up in January, so we’ve got to do some serious homework to get up to speed on that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Love to All!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The Georgias</span>The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-75774384373198496882014-12-02T00:04:00.000-05:002014-12-02T08:31:35.255-05:00"Foster care?!"<div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Being involved with
foster care for the past two years I’ve had many questions about it. They generally fall into three categories: </span></div>
<div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“Foster
care? How does that work?” (what are the logistics like), </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">“Foster care?
How do you manage?” (what is your home
life like now?), </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">and “Foster care? How can you handle doing that?” ( by which
people mean, how do you manage issues of the heart). </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I’ve had so many thoughts stewing in my brain
as our first long-term placement comes to a close, that I thought I’d answer
these questions to the extent of our experience. Of course things can be very different in
other places, and each foster family has their own set of challenges before
they take on the unique challenges of each foster child in their home. But some general principles will be
universal.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But before I answer
any of the above, I’ve also had people ask “Why would anyone do foster care?” Our answer is simple—to adopt someone to
raise with Seth, as there’s a thirteen year gap between our fourth and fifth
children. We looked into all the options
(infant adoption is out for us for many reasons) and even started down a road
to international adoption only to have every door slam in our faces. In the past 8 to 10 years international
adoption has become extremely difficult and expensive (it already was, but now
it’s much worse), and we determined after extensive research that we had no
greater chance of being able to adopt internationally than from foster care. The children coming from overseas are
frequently just as traumatized as domestic foster-to-adopt kids but with foster
care you have the chance to do a “test drive” of the relationship. If after giving it a try you find that it’s
just not a good fit, you can decide against adoption--should that become a
possibility the agency will look for another permanent family. And though there is waiting period whichever
option you choose, we knew that in the case of foster care we’d at least be
doing some real good in the world in the interim, rather than just filling out
more forms and sending more money all the time, like you do in international
adoption. So we decided to go for it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Our first step was to
check with our county social services department. They told me they weren’t interested taking
applications from foster-to-adopt parents, and when I asked how many foster
kids they had placed last year for adoption, they said six. Six isn’t very many in a county of a half
million people, and the training and paperwork you go through doesn’t usually
apply to other counties. But through
pure serendipity we found an agency that places foster kids throughout the
northern half of Virginia (if you don’t know that something exists you don’t
know to look for it). This way we have a
much larger pool to choose from—we get calls from our agency for children that
fit our criteria but are outside our county. </span><i><o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-11975737623088245722014-12-02T00:00:00.003-05:002014-12-02T08:35:00.626-05:00Question #3 -- How can you stand it?<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Yes, this is the really
hard part—the kids just went home permanently a few days ago, and I’ve been
dreaming about them. There is sadness, there is relief (that I’m not
going to be dealing with all their multiple issues permanently, as we had hoped
to adopt them) there is happiness (that we’ve done something good in the world)
and there is guilt (that I could have done more, done better). So
many emotions, but have I learned anything that could help someone else “stand”
to do this?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As we’ve gone through
this I’ve often told myself “I’m the adult. I can handle it. I
don’t need to pay attention to my own emotions. I can support their
emotional recovery.” And that is mostly true. But the
tantrums and misbehavior would sometimes wear me down, and I wouldn’t respond
as well as I should. So it’s a tricky balance: sometimes they would
need time-out, but instead I’d put myself in time-out (my bedroom/sanctuary) so
that I could regain my composure. These children were more difficult
than any of my kids, and this is pretty typical among foster kids. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I like the model of
attachment theory because it explains so well what actually goes on here. Non-traumatized
children have a normal attachment to their family: they love to be with their
family, but when in a “safe environment” they will independently separate from
the parent and explore their own interests. They may have shyness
issues, and toddlers may have age-appropriate anxiety when separated from their
family, but this will dissipate as they grow into emotionally-secure children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Traumatized children
will usually have an attachment disorder. The mildest--insecure
attachment--looks like a child who is always anxious that the parent will
disappear: they love, they need, but they don’t quite trust. They
don’t really follow their own interests much because they can’t let go of their
anxiety. They respond with high anxiety to any discomfort (hunger or
pain), and have a melt-down if they think they are being neglected. They
attempt to control every situation, because when they are in control they don’t
get hurt (or so they believe). They are often angry and defiant with
family and peers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The most
severe--disorganized or reactive attachment disorder--manifests as a child who
has totally shut down, who does not attempt to engage the nurturer or make
connections with them. The child is inwardly focused, and will have
long-term problems with empathy and relationships. He exhibits
repetitive and regressive behaviors, shows a lot of anxiety, and is generally
unable to function in society.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">There is a whole
spectrum in between, and children may have a patchwork of issues from easy to
severe. I can’t share details, but many of my friends witnessed
moments when all the kids wanted to sit on my lap, follow me around, watch
everything I did, talk incessantly to me to engage my attention even when I was
busy or on the phone, and/or undo whatever I had just done (folding laundry was
impossible with the littlest around). There was an endless stream of
love notes coming at me (which broke my heart)and literally a bottomless well
of need—no matter how much attention I gave them (well, two of them) it was
never enough. One was more detached—possibly further toward the
disorganized end of the spectrum, or possibly just a personality thing, but
this child was less insistent upon attention though more insistent upon other
things.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Understanding the
psychological basis of their behaviors really helped me to respond better to
them. It certainly wasn’t easy, and I do wish I could have been the
perfect mother all the time. But after a few months, when I felt I
wasn’t going to make it, I literally gave myself permission to NOT be
therapeutic all the time. Instead of being passively complacent and
asking them about their feelings when they would act out, I would take them by
surprise (the book <i>Parenting the Hurt Child</i> actually
recommends this). I might pretend to have a tantrum on the ground
next to them. I might be stern. I might be silly. I
might walk away. I might stay in the same room but completely ignore
them and talk and laugh with someone else. I did anything I felt
like, short of corporal punishment or verbal abuse. Taking this approach put me back in the
driver’s seat, allowing me to be more real, and disallowing them from
controlling the situations so much, which is a strong motivator for traumatized
kids. And it saved me from quitting,
which would have been much more harmful than not being 100% professional all
the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Another important issue
I’ll touch on here about the “how do you stand it?” of foster care is that,
unlike dealing with kids at church or in the neighborhood, these kids are in
your house every day and night. Unless you turn your house into Fort
Knox (we had a bit of that going on) they will be getting into your things in
every nook and cranny of your house. Depending on the ages and
tendencies of the kids, you’ll have everything from “artwork” on walls to
strange items found chewed up under couches. You really have to not
care too much about your house and your things or it will drive you nuts. Put
away all the things you really care about, and remember that under all the
trauma they are little kids—there was a time when I would rejoice when the
little guy would make a mess with the toys, because when he first came here he
didn’t know what toys were for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Last, a big question in
my mind when thinking of doing foster care was: should I actually fall in love
with these little guys? Give kisses and hugs and “I love you’s”?
Should they call us mommy and daddy? My knee-jerk reaction when they
came was yes, especially since we thought we’d be able to adopt them and wanted
to start off on the right foot. So we treated them like our
kids—hugs and kisses and rocking to sleep at night. And even though
they went back, I’m so glad we did this—we didn’t know at first exactly what
had happened to them, but as the picture became clear, I realized that treating
them like our kids was IMMENSELY therapeutic for them. An
experienced foster mom told me that they usually did this with their foster
kids, but once they got a boy who wasn’t expected to stay long and they decided
not to invest with him emotionally—they were just Mr. and Mrs. and he slept at
their home. She told me she deeply regretted this decision, as he
did end up staying with them for a long time, and she never felt like she was
able to bond with him and help him with his issues very much. Words
matter, what you call someone matters, affectionate behavior can change hearts.</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-83527772253923639392014-11-25T07:50:00.004-05:002014-12-02T08:32:09.468-05:00Question #2 -- Managing Life as a Foster Parent<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The main job of foster
parents is to support the child’s recovery from the family disruption and
whatever caused it, to support the foster care goal (reunification with parents
or other placement) and, most importantly, to try to help the child to have as
many “normal kid things” in his life as possible. So your weeks may be filled with lots of
appointments, including taking them to supervised visits with the birth parents
(many agencies will help with the driving if there’s a lot), along with more normal
things like helping with homework and negotiating sibling rivalry. You facilitate play dates, though the kids
always have to be with an adult with a current background check (basically that
means you stay with them or have kids over to your house), teach them to ride a
bike, plant a garden, rake leaves, and cook.
You take them to the zoo and to church (some states have restrictions on
the latter, but here in Virginia there’s nothing like that).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Our kids (now 2, 4,
and 7) came to us last December in an unusual situation which created waves throughout
the social work world and caused us to unwittingly stumble into a mess. We had CPS workers visiting our home unannounced several times per week,
detectives, court-appointed advocates, and their lawyer coming over, visits to
the police station, and multiple medical appointments to go to, in addition to the
more usual visits with therapists and social workers. All of this made, at first, at least 30 hours
per week spent exclusively on the foster kids, answering the same questions
over and over etc., in addition to actually taking care of them and the rest of
the family. If I had not had a 22 year
old daughter at home to care for our then-2 year old, I would not have lasted
very long. I think this was way more
than the norm for foster care, but that’s what we were confronted with. Gradually things slowed down and we resolved
a lot of the troublesome issues, got through two surgeries, and were down to
one mom visit and one therapy visit per week.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">At first the kids were
pretty shell-shocked, and seemed much younger than their ages. It is very common for traumatized children to
function emotionally and intellectually several years behind where they ought
to be. What amazed me is how quickly
they advanced, especially as the medical issues were cleared up. The little guy was 19 months when he came,
and couldn’t stand on his feet or talk.
But it seemed like every week he advanced several months in his
development—agility and speech—till I was putting locks on cupboards and
bathrooms, pulling him off tables and counter-tops, and giving him directions
that he would actually follow. So then
it became a toddler-management scenario.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Going places was always
hard and continued to be till the end. I
remember telling them, a couple months in, that “if you would mind me and not
run away from me, we could go fun places together.” We did eventually do fun things but always
avoided crowds—no amusement parks, etc.—as they were so unpredictable and
impulsive. I felt like a lion tamer at
times, only instead of a chair I used food.
They were always hungry so I tied good behavior to when the next snack
would be. It was definitely functioning
on a low level, but it was what they understood. Sacrament meeting was the most dreaded hour
of the week, as Paul was in the bishopric.
I had lots of wonderful people helping me, but, as Dickens says in A
Christmas Carol “every child was conducting himself like forty” so a 1:1 ratio
would barely cut it on a good day. The times we went to Chuck-E-Cheese will
ever live in my memory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">But after a few months
we did pretty well when we were at home.
When good weather hit, Paul and I built a play set and put in a raised
bed garden so there was lots to do outside, and that’s where they wanted to
spend their time. We got them bikes and
a Little Tikes car and a Plasmacar and they lived happily ever after. We live at the end of a long lane surrounded
by woods, and the 2 and our 3 year old (and the dog) always kept trying to
wander off, but we’d round them up and bring them back. The girls love to have play dates, and we are
grateful for all the church friends and cousins who came over to play.</span><i><o:p></o:p></i></div>
</div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-85351292284831751332014-11-17T22:57:00.003-05:002014-12-02T08:32:30.690-05:00Question #1 -- The Logistics of Foster Care<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Our agency (Children’s Services of Virginia) is a treatment foster
care agency, also known as therapeutic foster care. Children with special needs (medical,
emotional, behavioral) are put in TFC as opposed to regular foster care. Severely dysfunctional children and teens
will be placed in group homes or in-patient facilities—TFC is for kids who have
big issues but who can at least function somewhat in the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We received 30 hours of training to become TFC certified,
and must do ongoing training several times a year. You and your home must pass some safety
checks, and there are rules about things like bunk beds and trampolines and
what ages of kids can share a room—common sense stuff. You must keep a daily log of medications
given, appointments and visits, behavioral concerns, and anything else of note
that happens. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">TFC parents are provided with an extensive support system, including
therapists who can work with the children in your home and several visits per month
from social workers from your agency and from the county workers. Your “trauma-informed” home is considered to
be the primary place where the therapy is taking place, though there can be
outside therapy as well.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It’s supposed to work like this: You tell your agency about your
criteria for accepting a placement, you get a phone call any time night or day,
they (supposedly) tell you everything they know about some kids who need a home
(this is for emergency placements, which most of our calls have been), and you
can say yes or no. Or you can say, “I
need to think about this and talk to my spouse (and pray)” but the longer you
wait to get back to them the larger the chance they’ll have found someone else—young
kids are at a premium. Then they bring
you the kids and you begin the work of helping them adjust to their new
situation.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Foster children must be enrolled in public school, and
younger children can be in preschool or day care--this is a blessing because
you can’t trade-off babysitting with friends unless they fill out 6 pages of
paperwork and have a full background check.
For the first five months we had our kids we didn’t have any help
outside the home, and that was do-able because of our 16 and 22 year-old kids. But it was a bit of a burden on them, and
often I ended up hauling all the kids to appointments that just one needed to
go to, so eventually I caved and let them talk me into preschool for the two
younger kids. But there is no commitment
to take them every day, so that’s really nice.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Though there is a respite care program if needed, you are
encouraged to take the kids on family vacations with you. Our 2 weeks in Idaho this summer was the
highlight of our foster care experience as we were able to show the kids “how
the rest of the world lives” and let them do things they’d never done before
(flying on a plane, climbing mountains, riding horses and 4-wheelers, boating,
etc.) and might never do again.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Financially you should come out slightly ahead doing foster
care. They don’t want you to be way
ahead, since they don’t want people getting into this for the money, and indeed
you must prove that your income meets all your needs before you are
certified. Medicaid covers all medical,
dental, and psychiatric treatment, and each month you get enough to feed,
diaper, drive them around, and buy them things they need. If the children’s behaviors are very
difficult they will increase the payment since you are spending more time working
with the unpleasant side of things (and to try to persuade you to not give up
on the placement!). <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">On this note, if at any point you feel you just can’t handle
the children any more, you can call the agency and tell them to come and get
them. Even if it’s 2 a.m., it’s OK—they have
24 hour coverage and will come help you handle a situation if needed or remove
the child. However, if you want to stay
on good footing with your agency, you shouldn’t make too many of those phone
calls, and should give them at least 2 weeks to find another home and
transition the children without traumatizing them again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So that’s at least the basics of how our agency works with
us and the county social services to provide homes for kids in need.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-89597558963189163502014-11-07T20:56:00.000-05:002014-12-02T08:32:45.377-05:00Time is Money<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> On Facebook yesterday
I was discussing Pres. Obama’s comment that being a SAHM was “not a choice that
we want women to make,” (what an arrogant statement—who is “we” and how come
you get to make my choices!) on a friend’s post, and some guy was saying that
America was getting poorer and throwing around terms like Labor and Capital
that showed that he was full of economic quackery. And I just wanted to make sure that my
esteemed friends are aware of an Important but Neglected Truth: WEALTH does NOT
equal MONEY; WEALTH equals TIME—specifically, the ability to do what you want
with your time—CHOICES plus TIME.
Sometimes wealth also confers more ACTUAL TIME on this earth—extending
our mortal life--but for most of us it just means more spending more time doing
what we want, less time doing what we don’t want. This is not sugar-coating—this is the actual
definition.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">We’ve all heard “Time is Money,” and you can exchange your
time for money by working at a job. You
can also exchange your money for time, by paying someone to do things for you
that you don’t want to do. Think about
it: What is the difference between a poor person and a wealthy person? The poor person has fewer choices about what
to do with his time each day. He must
either go to work—usually at a job that he doesn’t love—or if he’s on welfare
he can stay home but must live a very narrow existence, very few choices. The wealthy person, when he wakes up in the
morning, can say, “What do I want to do today?” and do it. It may include going to work, but at a job
that excites and fulfills him, one where he gets to make a lot of choices.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Let’s take some extreme cases—a billionaire and a person on
welfare. On their birthdays what do they
do? Out of his multitude of choices, the
billionaire hops on his Leer jet and goes to Hawaii to celebrate; the welfare
recipient walks down to the corner store and uses food stamps to buy a birthday
cake—one reason why obesity is an epidemic of the poor and not the rich today. When the billionaire’s clothes are dirty, his
personal assistant calls the laundry service to come pick them up—he never even
has to spend time THINKING about getting clean clothes, much less doing
anything about it—he can choose something more fulfilling to do. When the poor person’s clothes are clean, he
may have to spend time scrubbing them out in a sink—something I had to do on my
P-days on my mission in Peru—I’d have rather gone sight-seeing on my P-day, but
I didn’t have that choice most weeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So how do we know for sure that America is NOT getting poorer—there
are all sorts of economic indicators that say this and that-- inflation and GDP
and personal debt, etc. etc. But we know
we’re getting wealthier because each day we have more CHOICES about what to do
with our TIME! When I was a kid I lived
far from both sets of grandparents, and we almost never called them because
long distance was so expensive. Today I
can not only call but Skype with my grandbaby, and it’s FREE (discounting the
cost of computers and internet). When I
was a kid I could read books that we had at home, read the local paper, and go
to the library for more choices. Now, for
a “low monthly fee” I can not only read books in my own library, but I can read
things all over the world. I can stay “up
to the minute” on world events. There is
of course a down-side to all these choices: I can spend my time watching billions of
mind-sucking videos on Youtube. But I
can also contemplate nature by visiting a camera on an eagle’s nest and
watching the babies. I can see images of
space from Hubble telescope, and view the latest, most beautiful images captured
by photographers all over the world.
Computers and internet have made our world immensely wealthier than
anything the kings and queens of the past dreamt of.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">What about clothing and food? It’s pretty easy to tell that there are ever
more choices, and they take up an ever smaller percentage of our paychecks. I love shopping at Wegman’s, where I can buy
cereal that is the same price as when I got married 26 years ago, but as our
family income has at least tripled since then, I can also go over to the cheese
section and buy some exotic varieties that I have never seen before. I can do the same thing with clothing at
Wal-Mart (no, I don’t care that it’s made in China—that benefits them AND us)
where I find clothes for the same prices I paid years ago, but I can now go
elsewhere for upscale things if I wish.
Since I can spend a smaller percent of my income on things I don’t
really care about, I now have more income to make choices with. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Housing? People worry
about the amount of money tied up in debt, and I certainly advocate staying out
of debt where possible—it causes stress!
But think about it: I am living in a house that is at least four times
the square-footage of my grandparents’ house, and you probably are too. “But it’s not paid for.” So what!
Day by day you live there. No one
is coming to kick you out as long as you keep up with your payments. Debt is just numbers in a computer—it doesn’t
exist in the real world. We are all
spending our TIME living in much larger houses than people did a few
generations ago. We have the CHOICE to
live in a small house if that makes us HAPPY, but a large one (by 1900
standards) is an option for most Americans.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Which brings us to the real point: happiness. “Money can’t buy happiness” and neither can
lots of choices and lots of free time to exercise your choices. From the outside looking in, it seems the majority
of the rich and famous are actually pretty miserable (“Wickedness never was
happiness”). Happiness is a state of
mind that can exist anywhere, anytime. It itself is a choice, and is unrelated to the
definition of wealth that we’ve been talking about, as a laborer in a rice
paddy can be joyful each day in his blessings, though he has few choices about
how to spend his time.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As a stay-at-home mom, I have my share of difficult days,
where I ALMOST wish I were back in the work force, like Pres. Obama wants me to
be (so he can tax my income). But as a homeschooling mom, I am EXTREMELY
wealthy. I can wake up each day and say,
“What should I, what should WE do today?” and do it. I am spending each day with those I love
best, doing what I love to do (education, music, home-making, writing, serving
in the church, directing a 501c3 corporation—all of which bring me immense
satisfaction and no money) and I am the richest person I know.</span><o:p></o:p></div>
</div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-55892423710248316382014-10-12T00:40:00.002-04:002014-11-08T08:13:25.210-05:00Trauma and Learning: The Importance of FamilyOne of the fascinating things about being a foster parent is to get to know on an intimate basis people who are very different from you. There are similarities--the seven year old frequently reminds me of myself as a young girl as she goes around the house doing cartwheels and splits and being hyper like I was. My own daughters weren't like that, so it's fun for me to watch.<br />
<br />
But differences abound as well, and over the past months I've had many "Ah-hah" moments about how dysfunctional behaviors get started. I've had some insight into how Numbers 14:18 really works "The Lord is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation." These insights relate to what childhood trauma does to a person, and why this is a huge problem in our society.<br />
<br />
Trauma is a hot topic right now in the social sciences and medicine alike. Post-traumatic stress is being researched intensely, and some disturbing findings are coming out about the effects of intense stress on the brain. Our genetics plus our experiences make each brain unique–good experiences make good things happen in the brain, and it is no surprise that trauma causes lasting harm to the developing brain. When trauma (especially physical and sexual abuse) is ongoing during the formative years, the area of the left brain (hippocampus) that processes logic and memory is decreased in size. Neglect causes different maladaptive changes in many areas of the brain. Fear causes sensitization of the “fight or flight” system so that it is activated upon the smallest stimuli. Together, they look like this: a child who can’t figure out what is going on in class, can’t remember what page he's supposed to be on nor figure out the answers to the problems that are being asked., who can’t hold still, whose auditory processing centers don’t really work well enough to figure out what people are saying, who thus becomes known as a stupid kid to classmates and a problem child to teachers. The spiral effect is that he treats others the way he’s treated, becomes mean, gets into trouble, and ends up in a juvenile detention center and worse as his life goes on. If the mistreated child is a girl, she will more likely internalize the trauma and/or neglect as low self-esteem and anxiety, leading to hypervigilance (an inability to relax and feel safe), eating disorders, and depression. <br />
<br />
Why do some children recover from trauma and others do not? Again genetics comes into play, but perhaps a more important factor is the support system that is in place or lacking. We've all experienced trauma, emotional or physical–or both together, as when we tripped in the hall in middle school and all the kids laughed at us. If you've got a friend near-by who helps you up, tells the kids to be quiet, and asks you if you’re hurt, your brain quickly de-escalates from alarm to recovery, and the lasting effects are nullified. But if you must struggle on through the day without comfort and go home to parents who are fighting and throwing things, you’ll stay in the hyper-arousal state, and the neural response patterns gradually become encoded in your brain. Over time the “state” becomes a “trait,” and this will shape the course of your life.<br />
<br />
Trauma certainly affects learning, so what do the specific learning deficits look like? Reading is a combination of many things including exposure to the world of words, being able to see and hear and put the sights and sounds together, remembering what you've just read long enough to associate it with a developing story-line, etc. A traumatized child will often have excellent visual memory, since he’s accustomed to being ever on the look-out for signs of danger. Abuse is most often chaotic and unpredictable, and he is forever memorizing circumstances in which danger has occurred in the past. This can lead to him being able to memorize sight words quite easily, and he may be actually a fairly good reader. But it is whole-language rather than phonics: he cannot learn the rules that govern how words are put together and decode new words. He can be an excellent speller if allowed to see the words and memorize them, but if presented with new words with the same roots, he’s at a loss.<br />
<br />
But it is math that’s really startling. These kids can often count just fine, know the ordinal numbers and the names of the coins, but cannot tell you if 9 is more or less than 8. They can write their numbers up to 100 in nice neat rows and columns but don’t “get it” that 16 means 1 ten and 6 units. No matter how many times you tell them, no matter how many ways you show them, with drawings and manipulatives of all sorts. Next time they see it, they have no idea again. They can memorize math facts, like the doubles, and may write that 7 + 7 = 14, but next they write that 9 + 3 = 27 or something. Number sense lives in the part of the brain that is missing–it’s completely gone, and without it a child can memorize all day but will never be able to <i>figure </i>anything out. If the problem isn't written exactly like it was memorized, he has no idea what to do.<br />
<br />
To protect the privacy of my foster kids, I cannot say exactly how much of this I’ve observed and how much I’ve learned in other forums (like the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXt2EYkZNa0">excellent video</a> by Cheryl Weitz). But the moral of the story is this: when children are raised in a chaotic environment they have a chaotic brain to deal with all their lives. This leads them to become adults who make bad choices, which leads to another generation of children’s brains damaged, before they have a chance to see who they might have become. The “iniquity of the fathers” and mothers continues on–as families fall apart, children are unprotected, their needs are not met, they are not nurtured because the adults are too consumed with their own needs. Yes, there are exceptions, like Ben Carson, and poor, illiterate, single mothers can do an adequate job of protecting their children from trauma IF they are lucky. But the vast majority of impoverished children live with single mothers, and poverty and trauma go hand-in-hand. There can be some recovery in a very supportive environment with ongoing trauma therapy, but for those severely affected, the prognosis is not good.<br />
<br />
I am glad to see that there is an increasing awareness of the long-term effects of trauma. I am sad that “it takes a village” of social workers, policemen, health care and mental health professionals, school staff and foster parents to do the job that could have been done much better by an intact family. Even with all the support, the children are still broken, a shadow of what they could have been, and all the time spent with therapists is stolen from the precious, limited hours of their passing childhood. <br />
<div>
<br /></div>
The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-89629832811927619492014-07-29T10:20:00.000-04:002014-07-29T10:20:16.787-04:00"Cry-baby-James"One face from my fourth grade class that will never leave my memory is that of a boy we nicknamed Cry Baby James. He was one of those kids with brown hair and pale skin and very large freckles. I remember this specifically because his face would go white when he would start to cry, and his freckles would stand out like islands in a white ocean. <br />And crying was something he did a lot. The kids in the class would find opportunities to be mean to him, and then he'd start to cry, and then they'd softly chant "Cry-baby James" over and over. Sometimes he would start to cry without anyone prompting him to do so, which was icing on their cake. I never understood why he would do this, when it was clearly not in his best interest. I did feel sorry for him, but my egocentric nine year-old self didn't have a clue what to do about it, or care enough to intervene on his behalf.<br />
But now I get it. Now that I have a child who cries. I don't always know why she cries, when it clearly is not in her best interest. I do know that traumatized kids have difficulty controlling their emotions, and tend to have emotional responses that are typical of children several years younger than their age. Since our foster kids look older than they are, their behavior seems even more "behind" than it actually is. On Sunday when she was crying because of...?having to be prompted when she read the scripture in Primary?...I told her to look at all the other girls her age who were sitting reverently listening to the talk--couldn't she try to act like them? No, she couldn't.<br />
So, what to do about this? The key is to prevent these kids from becoming even more traumatized while they are receiving therapy to try to heal from the initial trauma. Which brings us to my favorite topic: homeschooling. I'm not currently able to homeschool these kids, but if we are able to adopt them they'll be out of the government schools in a heartbeat--no more trauma! Will they interact with other kids? Every day, but it will be under the watchful eyes of all the kids' mothers. And if there's one homeschooling benefit I'm sure of it's that it produces children who are NICE--in 20 years I've never heard a mean comment come from the mouth of a homeschooled kid. <br />
Homeschooling is a self-selection process. Sometimes people judge all homeschoolers because they've known some who are "weird" (and there are no weird kids in public school??) If you took the time, you would probably find that those "weird kids" are being allowed to work through their issues (autism, learning disabilities, mental illness, whatever) in an environment where they are safe from the cruel environment of large-group, same-age negative socialization, aka "school."<br />
<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-69504073510507621432014-06-27T23:57:00.001-04:002014-07-29T10:31:00.782-04:00Control vs. Submission<b>Quiz: What do these behaviors have in common?</b><br />
<br />
1 - A child who is obsessed with big shoes, purses, and phones while ignoring toys.<br />
2 - A child who is a relentless back-seat driver.<br />
3 - A child who closely watches everything the adult does, then tries to undo it.<br />
4 - A child who eats until he is full, leaving food on his plate, then, when removed from the high chair, runs to the table to try to get someone else's food (though it's the same as he had.)<br />
5 - A child who runs to every car he sees and tries to open the door, frantically tries to get in the drivers' seat when placed in a car, and fights his car seat straps.<br />
6 - A child who completely freaks and melts at the word "No."<br />
7 - A child who we've jokingly said should get a calling as a Nursery leader, since she's always trying to direct the group activities. But then she takes off running down the hall, abandoning her charges, a behavior that is discouraged for Nursery leaders.<br />
<br />
Every child likes to "play grown-ups." Children model the lives of those around them and learn more advanced skills day by day through their imaginative play. Being big is fun! But most children are also content to sit back and be nurtured by someone else--be read to, be fed and dressed, be put in a car seat and driven around without worrying about whether the adult knows where he's going. The answer to the above quiz is: these children are trying to be in control. They are programmed to resist submitting--to paraphrase a famous quote about the Irish, they "don't know what they want, and are prepared to fight to the death to get it."<br />
<br />
It took me a long time to put all these pieces together as one whole picture. For a several months I was scratching my head about these behaviors, since my kids are super passive and biddable by comparison (not every day and about everything, but in general). Then I was given the book <i>Parenting the Hurt Child</i>, by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky, and it all clicked. Neglected and abused children are obsessed with being in control of everything around them because they perceive that it will prevent them from being hurt. They run around frantically trying to nurture themselves because they see that as the way to stay alive--because nobody did the nurturing for them. To quote from the book, "When infants are well taken care of, the parents are in complete control--dressing them, feeding them, moving them about, and making all the choices....(thus) the infant learns to trust the parents who make the choices, because in the process, his needs are being met....Children with attachment issues have learned <i>not</i> to trust adults, and that is the lesson they need to unlearn. The only way for them to learn to trust is to give up control, thus getting the message that they won't be hurt if the parent is in charge."<br />
<br />
Years ago in college I learned that "Trust vs. Mistrust" is the first stage of psychological development, which usually happens between birth and one year (Erik Erikson). If that goal was not met, "reparenting" is necessary--one must excavate the faulty foundation and lay it again. And that's not easy, and it takes a long time. Think about how many times the child has <i>not</i> had his needs met when he has been crying out for nurturing, and then think about how that has hard-wired maladaptive behavior patterns into the brain's neurons, and then think about how many repetitions of the need/gratification cycle may be required to rewire the brain into more normal patterns.<br />
<br />
For years I've been all about freedom--I even have the "Don't Tread On Me" rattlesnake license plate (well, that's another story, it was the day after Obama got re-elected that I had to go into the DMV and I was ticked--it looks ridiculous on my green minivan, but I don't care). But now I see another side: submission can be beautiful too. We put ourselves in another person's control when we fall in love and get married, and we put ourselves in God's control when we agree to keep commandments (though we're not sure that breaking them would really hurt us). It's called trust, and if we don't learn to trust as infants, we will always see the world as a shifting mass of people you can't rely on. How sad is that! I'm doing my best to not let that happen to three more souls, and thanks to all of you who are helping (even if it means chasing them around the chapel during sacrament meeting!)<br />
<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-73997338351228204732014-04-26T22:54:00.003-04:002014-04-26T22:56:44.813-04:00Attachments: For Now or ForeverThis week I went to a foster parent training meeting on attachment disorders, and had an epiphany that I thought I would share here. The discussion revolved around the attachment issues that many foster kids have, and how to deal with them, but I was able to ask my burning question: Why should I allow these kids attach to me, when there's a real chance that they'll be going back to their birth family. Is that even good for them? Won't it break their hearts and set them back even more in their emotional development? Of course, that ship has already sailed--the kids are crazy about me and fight over my attention and write me love notes--which is very painful sometimes. But this question had been haunting me, and even if it's just for future reference, I wanted to know.<br />
<br />
The answer I got from the therapist was that all healthy attachments are good, are productive. They help one to feel that the world is a safe place full of caring people. If you attach to someone (a roommate, a neighbor, a church friend) and then your situation changes and you never see them again, you are still better off than you were before you knew them. You understand more about the world and about human nature, and know (though it may be unconsciously) that you have more "human resources" to potentially help you in an emergency. In the words of the song from "Wicked," "Because I knew you, I have been changed for good."<br />
<br />
In our church we are all about making attachments permanent--Families are Forever--and rightly so. I have even been found guilty of saying to some friends that "I have too many friends," which then made me ashamed of my lack of tact--did they think I meant them? I was wrongly feeling these relationships to be like weights--relationships take work, right? But they don't all have to mean more work. They can be simple blessings with no down-side.<br />
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I guess my point is, it's OK if we don't keep in touch with everyone we've ever known--we don't have to feel guilt over that like I used to (though Facebook has removed much of the sting there--so easy now!) All the positive attachments that we've formed over the years bless us and shape our self-image. When we move on, we may have sadness for a while, but we've now got some great memories to fall back on when things are hard, and even may have some phone numbers we can dial when we need a friendly voice on the line.The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-80714473661355715872014-03-29T08:06:00.004-04:002014-03-29T22:35:56.066-04:00Raising Irish TripletsSomeone told me that since I've now got a one year old, a two year old, and a three year old whose birthdays are all within two weeks of each other, I've got Irish triplets. I suppose that's true, and though only one of them is mine biologically, the work load around here supports that. A few weeks ago I changed three poopy diapers (two from one child) during an LDSHE Board meeting conference call--I've told them that these meetings have a laxative effect around here, since I always have at least one poopy to change--and handled some other minor emergencies, all within one hour. Answering the door is a joke--I feel for the visitors who get swarmed by three small children (four if after school hours) and a very friendly dog. And I try to avoid answering the phone unless it's someone who I know will understand the noise level in the background--the other day there was a detective on the phone when two kids ran into each other and the screaming commenced--not good.<br />
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On Thursday I decided that we should get out, and thought I'd try the Gainesville library, which is so tiny that it would be hard to get into too much trouble, right? Think again! The one year old wanted to go anywhere he wasn't supposed to and pull books off shelves, while the puzzles were the draw for the other two who thought that dumping them was fun--the more the merrier! Then the one year old kept trying to leave and the two year old wouldn't put his shoes on and wouldn't come. Then when we walked to the car they thought it would be more fun to run down to the tennis courts than get in the car. So I chased them there and herded them back, but then realized that the 2 year old had taken his shoes off again somewhere and I had no idea where. Luckily the three year old had seen him hide them (!) under a park bench and retrieved them.<br />
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The real trouble lies in that there are three different ability levels between them. I can baby-proof things for the one year old, but then the two and three year olds un-baby-proof. I can lock the back door and the one year old can't open it until the three year old decides to check the weather outside, etc.<br />
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Do I wish for my old life back? Sometimes. But when I see my son playing happily with the other triplets (they actually WANT to play his favorite game of "couch" with him, instead of just doing it because he wants them to, like Adri and Luke do), it's all worth it.The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-88519720283516556162014-01-27T10:12:00.000-05:002014-01-27T10:17:38.595-05:00Some Unanticipated Fun...Barricading the Christmas TreeWell, somewhat unanticipated, since we did go through 30 hours of training to become certified foster parents. On Dec. 14th at 5:30 a.m. the phone rang and it was our agency telling us they had a need for a home for some siblings. We told them we'd discuss it and call her back. The discussion mainly was along the lines of: Do we do Christmas as planned, or do we do these kids? Because we knew it would be an either/or situation. That day was Saturday and I had planned on spending the whole day making Christmas presents that I had begun--sewing, painting, nailing, etc. Paul was going to FINALLY finish the blanket chest that he had begun three years ago as a wedding present for Lindy and Nick (which has now become a family joke--Paul says that he's not the best woodworker in the world, but he's surely the slowest!).<br />
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But with the help of our Heavenly Father, we decided to call back and say yes. Spent the morning prepping the house and the kids--Adrianne gave up her bedroom and moved into the bedroom that was being used as the craft room, which meant that all that stuff went in my bedroom, which meant that I couldn't work on anything, but that was OK because I don't have time anymore anyway!<br />
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Christmas was unique and awesome and very Christ-like as we all learned a lesson in compassion.<br />
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So I'm way behind on everything (I sent some Christmas cards last week!) but it's been awesome. We don't know how this placement will turn out--you never do--but our goal is and has been for three years to adopt some kids to raise with Seth. It's in the hands of the Lord now, but in the meantime, we're trying to care for and nurture and heal these kids as best we can. Any prayers anyone can send our way would be great!<br />
<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-22431949047160371002013-10-18T07:15:00.001-04:002013-10-18T07:15:47.571-04:00Cousin Time!When there's a thirteen year gap between kids, it's nice to fill that with cousins--not quite siblings, but almost. The Ariases help with that on a regular basis, but last week we went to upstate New York to visit Paul's brother and his lovely family. They have five kids under the age of ten, so Seth had plenty of little people to play with. Two year olds still kind of do the parallel play thing, but he obviously enjoyed their company and did get quite a bit of nonsense going with them--good stuff!<br />
Paul's brother Ben is a very young bishop of a very old ward--it's kind of like the President Monson thing, only I don't think there are THAT many widows! But it's a lot to deal with. However, their family is happy and are being blessed for his service.<br />
We did some sight-seeing: Corning Glass Museum (love that place!), Penn-Dixie Paleontology site (found lots of fossils including two trilobites), the Smith Family Farm and E.B. Grandin Print Shop. It was all glorious. Wish you could have been there!The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-33787910467571130942013-09-08T18:14:00.000-04:002013-09-08T18:21:00.343-04:00Time passes so fast!How is it that when I looked out my bedroom window this morning I saw red leaves on the tupelo trees and yellow ones on the tulip poplars?! How can Quinn already be almost half-way done with his mission?! How can Seth be turning into such a tall, skinny guy who knows his letters and numbers (I promise I didn't teach it to him; he just learned it)?! And now I only have three more years to prepare Luke for a mission, and much less than that for Adri--she's beginning to fill out her papers today.<br />
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To that end, for morning devotional we've been reading John Bytheway's <em>What I Wish I'd Known Before My Mission</em>. This week I hosted the LDSHE Adult Conference Committee for 48 hours while they planned the May 2014 conference, but I broke away to come upstairs and read to my kids on Thursday morning. We read the story of how Elder Bytheway had felt the Spirit guide him in knowing what to say to a 75 year-old man Filipino man who had lived through the Japanese invasion during WWII. He was prompted to turn to the page in the flip chart that said (and I remember this well--I've still got my flipchart!):<br />
"Where did I come from?"<br />
"Why am I here?"<br />
"Where am I going after this life?"<br />
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The old man silently walked to the back of the room and picked up a little book. Inside he had written,<br />
<em>My Eternal Questions</em><br />
1 - Where did I come from?<br />
2 - Why am I here?<br />
3 - What do I need to accomplish?<br />
4 - Where will I go when I die?<br />
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As they taught him the Plan of Salvation, he said tearfully, "I have been looking for this for forty years." This also made me cry as I realized how blessed I've been to have had ANSWERS to these questions for forty years. (After I finished blubbering I returned to my meeting downstairs.)<br />
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But, yes, time does pass so fast, and unless we take this little fact seriously (<em>carpe diem</em>!) we'll get to the end of our mortality and wonder what just happened to us. And mortality comes crashing in on you pretty fast when you get a call from your married daughter (that same morning) that she's in the back of an ambulance headed for the hospital and someone ran into them as she and her husband were on their way to work and their car is totaled. Thanks to God and seatbelts and airbags they are both fine. The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-28834686298276607452013-06-30T23:12:00.002-04:002013-06-30T23:16:52.689-04:00Freedom!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This week as everyone is focusing on our nation's founding, I thought I'd also post about independence. We recently read Hugh Nibley's astounding essay <a href="http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/publications/transcripts/?id=73">Before Adam</a>, and found this statement: </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="background-color: #fbfbfb; text-align: justify;"><i>"And the Gods watched those things which they had ordered until they obeyed." (Abraham 4:18.)</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="background-color: #fbfbfb; text-align: justify;">"They obeyed" is the active voice, introducing a teaching that, in my opinion, is <u>by far the most significant and distinct aspect of Mormonism</u>. It is the principle of maximum participation, of the active cooperation of all of God's creatures in the working out of his plans, which, in fact, are devised for their benefit: "This is my work and my glory" (Moses 1:39.) </span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="background-color: #fbfbfb; text-align: justify;">Everybody gets into the act. Every creature, to the limit of its competence, is <u>given the supreme compliment of being left on its own</u>, so that the word "obey" is correctly applied. "We will go down, for there is space there, and we will take of these materials, and we will make an earth whereon these may dwell." (Abraham 3:24.) Why? "And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them." (Abraham 3:25.) What he commands is what will best fulfill the measure of their existence, but they are not forced to do it—they are not automata. Adam was advised not to eat the fruit but was told at the same time that he was permitted to do it. It was up to him whether he would obey or not. If he did obey, he would qualify for a higher trust.</span> </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've long been a passionate libertarian, but I had not considered the freedom to choose to be the "most significant aspect" of our religion. I understood it to be a unique part, since alone we believe that we are here on earth by choice, not just as extras in a big Passion play, as little clay creatures made for the amusement of the gods, or as choir boys whose end goal and meaning of existence is singing praises for eternity. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">So why is the <i>liberty to choose to obey</i> so important in the eternal perspective? In the end you are still doing what "He" wants you to. But you ARE choosing to do these good things. When we do things that don't seem logical or reasonable to the human, temporal mind (like serving a mission when we could be furthering our education or pursuing pleasure), we develop faith and self-control, and those two things are what lifts us from an animal-like state to becoming more God-like. Animals (and many humans) don't act, they react according to their instincts. They don't have a moral compass that steers their behavior, but instead live at the level of survival of the fittest: "do whatever I can get away with." Even our darling and very good doggy. Although she no longer steals entire pizzas off the counter-top like she did when we first got her, if she thought there would be no consequences, she would, as evidenced by how she walks up to short people in our home (like our little foster guy) and THINKS about grabbing the food out of his hand, but then looks at me and changes her mind. And goes into rooms she's not supposed to be in when she thinks nobody is home (LOL).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Having the freedom to choose good or evil is essential to developing the self-control to choose good. If we are <u>forced</u> to choose good, it does <u>us</u> no good. We are "automata," and there is no spiritual growth.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I believe the same thing applies to our society. The more choices government makes for society, the fewer choices the individual gets to make. Big choices, like how much health care is appropriate at the end of life (the <a href="http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323463704578495102975991248.html">euthanasia movement</a> has been <a href="http://www.nationalreview.com/human-exceptionalism/323301/euthanasia-pushes-belgium-abyss">creeping in for years</a>, and it's coming to the big screen now with Obamacare--just wait) and little choices, like what a children's party magician does with his rabbit if there is a tornado (I'm not kidding on this one--see the always-awesome <a href="http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/352389/buck-stops-here-mark-steyn">Mark Steyn</a> for details). There are forces at work in our society--and have been for years, but they are making huge headway now-- that WANT us to be automata--just gears in the big machine that they set in motion and control. That want us to believe that government (the genocidal force of the 20th century) is now benign and trustworthy. So just watch your network TV and follow your celebrity mags and don't worry about anything that is going on in Washington--smart people are taking care of everything!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I choked up in church today when we sang, "Oh say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave o'er the land of the free..." The flag is still flying, but is the land still free if government now owns or controls/regulates every aspect of our society--far more now in the Obama years than ever before? I believe we no longer are.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><br /></i></span>The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-28423895398686817022013-05-13T23:02:00.002-04:002013-05-13T23:47:31.778-04:00A few thoughts on writingThough I've been completely absorbed with math lately, in preparation for my "Playing with Math" class at the upcoming LDSHE conference, a friend just asked me what we do about writing, and I decided to post my response, since it's pretty long, and since it's BEEN a long time since I've posted here:<br />
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<div>
Watching my kids develop writing skills has been a really strange thing to me. I feel like they've all
had almost no writing training, and yet they have all hit their stride just
fine. They are all big readers--that is huge.</div>
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I tried several programs--Writing Strands is one we did a bit of--we all
grew tired of it. <a href="http://classicalwriting.com/index.htm">Classical Writing</a> is one that my older son
and I really liked -- but my younger son did not. My older son was already a
pretty good writer, and the level we did was a bit below him, but the style
suited his personality. But it caused fights with my younger son, so we gave it
up after a year. And now he's the one who, though he'd always said he wanted to
be a paleontologist, recently said he wanted to be an author--go figure!!!</div>
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I think an understanding of grammar is important, both for constructing
accurate sentences in English and for learning foreign languages. We begin
Easy Grammar in 3rd grade and continue until 8th. I've tried to get my kids to
do ABeka high school grammar, but none of them has gotten very far in it, and
that's OK. But my kids haven't needed much help with spelling, again probably
because of the large amounts of reading. I think a small dose is great in
middle school--not before, and not after--just some work with the most commonly
misspelled words is all we do. I once bought a comprehensive program, but my
kids all hate workbooks, so we skipped over the first five books. You can't tell
me that if they miss their "Spelling A" book when they are six, they still
won't be able to spell "kite" when they are sixteen.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
Much of this touches on the main point, which is that writing is
SUBJECTIVE--the most subjective subject of all--and as such it is heavily
personality-based. It is not a matter of learning facts and figures. Writing
comes out of your thoughts, feelings, and heart. If you have no thoughts or
feelings about a topic, it's excruciating to write about it. Good writing
follows a few basic rules: say the most you can with the fewest words (avoiding
passive constructions and choosing vivid verbs helps with that), follow a
reasonable train of ideas through to a conclusion, which process is strengthened
by the adage "tell 'em what you're going to tell 'em--tell 'em--tell 'em what
you just told 'em," and speak from the heart. I've read so many ghastly essays
in which the writer didn't care a hoot about his topic, and was just filling out
the word count--thank goodness we don't have to do that as homeschoolers.
</div>
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<div>
So, after many failed attempts at using writing programs with my children,
what we mostly do is just use writing in real life--writing letters, working on
Merit Badges, and my high schoolers write up an occasional report on what
they've been learning about--in science, history, or whatever. In their mid teens they all found something that they <b>wanted</b> to express--whether it was
a fantasy novel or a romantic screenplay (starring a certain married daughter and
her movie star idol--shhh--that one was a secret). Writing is "words that
stay" and it is part of the human condition to want to express oneself and have
others listen. So far I haven't had any children who didn't, after they were
mature enough, want to join in the conversation.</div>
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<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-63116046366188185002013-03-23T19:47:00.003-04:002013-03-23T19:47:55.893-04:00It Does Get Easier!I've been reflecting lately on how easy my life is. Twenty years ago this month I was living in Hyrum, Utah, working full time as a nurse at Logan Regional Hospital while Paul worked on his Masters at Utah State. I had a three year-old, a one year-old, and was eight months pregnant. Paul and I juggled our schedules so I could work three 12-hour night shifts a week and he could get to his classes. Occasionally this meant having a neighbor babysit the girls, but usually I just stayed up after coming home from work until Paul got home from school (if I didn't have to go back to work that night). It doesn't take much reading between the lines to gather that I was exhausted -- just trying to keep my eyes open all the time.<br />
Yet I loved my life, my husband, my kids, and my job. I loved serving in the church (Primary teacher). I loved living in beautiful Cache Valley. I even took on, in the fall of that year, doing a co-op preschool with some friends -- Joy School for Lindy. Life was crazy and exhausting but it WAS full of joy!<br />
And it still is. I know people must have shaken their heads when they found out I was expecting a baby thirteen years after my last baby. But we were so excited, and feel so blessed to have this little cutie-pie. It's so different to have a little when you've also got bigs. Yes, he makes messes, but there are lots of helping hands. Since I'm at the place in life where Paul is bringing home the bacon, even with homeschooling and a church calling and home-management, even with serving on the board of LDSHE (which is a lot of hours a week some weeks), even with home projects and hobbies, sometimes I wonder what to do with my time.<br />
So I decide to write a blog post.<br />
Because I want to.<br />
The EndThe Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9000491285030280885.post-44899862572726892322013-02-06T08:31:00.001-05:002013-03-14T10:31:06.097-04:00Elder GeorgiaIt's amazing how much a young person can change and still remain the same silly-sweet guy. Quinn has been wearing the black name tag for almost three months now, and whenever I get a letter I'm astounded at how much he's growing spiritually. He always reports the "miracle of the week" and there is always something miraculous! He's learning to be spiritually guided and a hard worker, and we pray that the one thing that he comes back really having made exceptional strides at conquering is time management ;-) His one complaint so far is that "some missionaries are pretty immature." But he'll just have to learn to work with all kinds of people -- and he is learning that. One sweet comment he made in a letter he wrote to Luke this week is:<br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">"For the most part, missions are about serving people. Yes, we focus on baptisms, but anything we can do to help people is part of fulfilling our purpose. That's because missionaries represent Jesus Christ all throughout the world and we do what He would have us do." </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><b>YAY for growth!</b></span><br />
<br />The Georgia Familyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14369696210761223081noreply@blogger.com