This has been a strange year. My husband went back to work today for the first time this year. He was laid off from his job right before Christmas (chief economist for the National Mining Association--Obama said before he was elected that he was going to kill coal, and his efforts in that department have had large ripples). The unemployment went on much longer than we had anticipated, and we'd have done some things differently if we'd known how long it was going to be. But the most difficult thing about it was exactly that--the unknown. That's what made me feel as if I were balancing on one foot, just a bit unstable. Not knowing where the next step was going to be, so unable to set that other foot down anywhere.
The finances were a stress, but not a super big one since we had some personal savings. Believe me, there's been many times in our marriage that we've been living from paycheck to paycheck, but (a blessing!) this wasn't one of them. For nearly the first 20 years of our marriage I worked to make ends meet while Paul was in school and internships, etc. I hated being away from our kids, so I would just work enough to pay the bills, but no more. So though we had retirement building up, there was nothing to carry us over speed bumps. Having the savings available was a huge blessing when the paychecks stopped coming this time.
And speaking of time, it was wonderful to have my husband around! I had always wondered if we were going to drive each other crazy when he retired; now I know that we'll be fine. He spent his days applying for jobs, fixing the car, doing woodworking, fixing the lawnmower (again), doing family history and service projects for church, and applying for jobs. And more jobs. But we also played with our kids a lot--inexpensive or free stuff like hiking was great. Paul was able to have that window of quiet in his life that I have had the last few years since I quit working (well, quiet is a relative term) to just enjoy being a dad to one cute little guy and four cute big ones.
So the real challenge was not the lack of anything in our lives, but the addition of something: uncertainty. Would we move to Texas? To Idaho? Would we stay here but with less income so we'd need to sell (I made some home improvements this summer in preparation for that possibility). Women like stability, so this was the hardest one for me. I've felt happy, and calm, and grateful for blessings. But whenever I felt that I could begin to touch the toe of the other foot to the ground--just start to be more stable--that ground would shift and I'd be left in the balancing mode. I couldn't make plans, and I love plans.
The worst indecision was feeling like maybe I should go back to work as a critical care nurse--just dive in and take care of our family. I could do it. I've done it before. But I have a four year old, and he's very attached to his mommy. The biggest thing was that I knew if I went back to work, I'd resent it. I'd resent Paul for losing his job. I'd resent everyone who didn't keep NMA in a position to keep him employed there, and everyone who wasn't hiring him for every job he applied for. I prayed about what I should do, and got strong promptings to keep the faith: in Paul that he'd find a job, in Heavenly Father that he would bless us. I would be willing to go back to work only if we had tried everything else, including selling the house and living on the equity for a while. At least if that were to happen, it would buy me some more time in raising our little guy through these important early years.
We're still not "out of the woods" (though we can still live in the woods--our woods). This job is just a place-holder for a better one that will hopefully come along soon--it's in the works, but nothing is certain. But I'm so grateful for a regular paycheck that I felt I should shout that to the world. So I wrote a blog post about it. ;-)
