Yes, this is the really
hard part—the kids just went home permanently a few days ago, and I’ve been
dreaming about them. There is sadness, there is relief (that I’m not
going to be dealing with all their multiple issues permanently, as we had hoped
to adopt them) there is happiness (that we’ve done something good in the world)
and there is guilt (that I could have done more, done better). So
many emotions, but have I learned anything that could help someone else “stand”
to do this?
As we’ve gone through
this I’ve often told myself “I’m the adult. I can handle it. I
don’t need to pay attention to my own emotions. I can support their
emotional recovery.” And that is mostly true. But the
tantrums and misbehavior would sometimes wear me down, and I wouldn’t respond
as well as I should. So it’s a tricky balance: sometimes they would
need time-out, but instead I’d put myself in time-out (my bedroom/sanctuary) so
that I could regain my composure. These children were more difficult
than any of my kids, and this is pretty typical among foster kids.
I like the model of
attachment theory because it explains so well what actually goes on here. Non-traumatized
children have a normal attachment to their family: they love to be with their
family, but when in a “safe environment” they will independently separate from
the parent and explore their own interests. They may have shyness
issues, and toddlers may have age-appropriate anxiety when separated from their
family, but this will dissipate as they grow into emotionally-secure children.
Traumatized children
will usually have an attachment disorder. The mildest--insecure
attachment--looks like a child who is always anxious that the parent will
disappear: they love, they need, but they don’t quite trust. They
don’t really follow their own interests much because they can’t let go of their
anxiety. They respond with high anxiety to any discomfort (hunger or
pain), and have a melt-down if they think they are being neglected. They
attempt to control every situation, because when they are in control they don’t
get hurt (or so they believe). They are often angry and defiant with
family and peers.
The most
severe--disorganized or reactive attachment disorder--manifests as a child who
has totally shut down, who does not attempt to engage the nurturer or make
connections with them. The child is inwardly focused, and will have
long-term problems with empathy and relationships. He exhibits
repetitive and regressive behaviors, shows a lot of anxiety, and is generally
unable to function in society.
There is a whole
spectrum in between, and children may have a patchwork of issues from easy to
severe. I can’t share details, but many of my friends witnessed
moments when all the kids wanted to sit on my lap, follow me around, watch
everything I did, talk incessantly to me to engage my attention even when I was
busy or on the phone, and/or undo whatever I had just done (folding laundry was
impossible with the littlest around). There was an endless stream of
love notes coming at me (which broke my heart)and literally a bottomless well
of need—no matter how much attention I gave them (well, two of them) it was
never enough. One was more detached—possibly further toward the
disorganized end of the spectrum, or possibly just a personality thing, but
this child was less insistent upon attention though more insistent upon other
things.
Understanding the
psychological basis of their behaviors really helped me to respond better to
them. It certainly wasn’t easy, and I do wish I could have been the
perfect mother all the time. But after a few months, when I felt I
wasn’t going to make it, I literally gave myself permission to NOT be
therapeutic all the time. Instead of being passively complacent and
asking them about their feelings when they would act out, I would take them by
surprise (the book Parenting the Hurt Child actually
recommends this). I might pretend to have a tantrum on the ground
next to them. I might be stern. I might be silly. I
might walk away. I might stay in the same room but completely ignore
them and talk and laugh with someone else. I did anything I felt
like, short of corporal punishment or verbal abuse. Taking this approach put me back in the
driver’s seat, allowing me to be more real, and disallowing them from
controlling the situations so much, which is a strong motivator for traumatized
kids. And it saved me from quitting,
which would have been much more harmful than not being 100% professional all
the time.
Another important issue
I’ll touch on here about the “how do you stand it?” of foster care is that,
unlike dealing with kids at church or in the neighborhood, these kids are in
your house every day and night. Unless you turn your house into Fort
Knox (we had a bit of that going on) they will be getting into your things in
every nook and cranny of your house. Depending on the ages and
tendencies of the kids, you’ll have everything from “artwork” on walls to
strange items found chewed up under couches. You really have to not
care too much about your house and your things or it will drive you nuts. Put
away all the things you really care about, and remember that under all the
trauma they are little kids—there was a time when I would rejoice when the
little guy would make a mess with the toys, because when he first came here he
didn’t know what toys were for.
Last, a big question in
my mind when thinking of doing foster care was: should I actually fall in love
with these little guys? Give kisses and hugs and “I love you’s”?
Should they call us mommy and daddy? My knee-jerk reaction when they
came was yes, especially since we thought we’d be able to adopt them and wanted
to start off on the right foot. So we treated them like our
kids—hugs and kisses and rocking to sleep at night. And even though
they went back, I’m so glad we did this—we didn’t know at first exactly what
had happened to them, but as the picture became clear, I realized that treating
them like our kids was IMMENSELY therapeutic for them. An
experienced foster mom told me that they usually did this with their foster
kids, but once they got a boy who wasn’t expected to stay long and they decided
not to invest with him emotionally—they were just Mr. and Mrs. and he slept at
their home. She told me she deeply regretted this decision, as he
did end up staying with them for a long time, and she never felt like she was
able to bond with him and help him with his issues very much. Words
matter, what you call someone matters, affectionate behavior can change hearts.
